Stargate Infinity: The bastard child of the Stargate franchise. A Saturday morning children's cartoon. Naturally, I was thoroughly ecstatic to get my copy so I could review it.
I'll start where anyone who buys a DVD invariably must: the packaging. On the outside, you'll find a completely original cardboard slip cover protecting two also completely original slim cases, each with two discs.
Allow me to derail here a moment, if you will. While the art on cardboard cover is fine (the show's name, Stargate showing planets in the middle - anyone who actually knows anything about Stargate, please ignore how much that's bastardised the show, there's worse to come), when it comes to the art on the cases themselves... words can't really describe it. There are pictures of some of the main characters which look like a blind five year old, who had never heard of the show and had only a dull set of crayons, a can of poster paint and a funnel, after being given a thirty second description of what the characters actually look like.
By a monkey.
An earlier version of this review said "yes, it's really that bad", but then bad's lawyer called me and threatened to charge me with libel. Anyone willing to invent with a word accurate enough to describe this and happy to be whored out for my use here, please apply in the comments.
The rest of the packaging? The discs are fine. I assume. I have to blindfold myself whenever I get to the case, so I don't exactly get a great look.
Video quality: I didn't realise anybody still made CEDs, but that's what this show appears to have been stored on in the six years between when it was made and when it was released on DVD. That, or it was intentionally designed to look like film preserved from the 1930s. Probably both.
Audio: I'd actually prepared towels in case my ears started bleeding. Surprisingly, that didn't happen. That being said, it's going to win every award there is for sound design, what with its gloriously immersive 2.0 stereo soundtrack (with barely any separation!); sound effects borrowed from SG-1, shot, buried in three feet of dirt, rained on (twice), dug up, left on the floor, torn up by stray cats while on the floor, eaten by dog while still on floor, then crapped out by dog and used in completely the wrong situation (Zat sounds on a Stargate opening? You better believe it!) and voices occasionally so muffled that I've understood more when watching Russian scuba divers.
Now, unfortunately for you, my dear reader, I must get to actually discussing the show itself. Part of its problems are due simply to what it is (and that Fox wanted it classed as an educational show, so they could produce more of the mindless blather they're known for). The characters? I've seen more lifelike characters on cereal boxes, and the voice acting seems to be a contest to be so wooden that the trees that box was made from jealous.
And that's not when they're directly blasphemous to everything Stargate, such as an "Ancient" being a flying, dragon-type... thing. Or the "half-alien" who looks to be about one third human, one third crocodile, and one third toaster (I'd hate to be his supposedly 100% human mother). Or the blatant disregard for wormhole physics. Or the complete lack of any and all recognisable characters or races (except for that misnomered Ancient mentioned above). Now, being set roughly 30 years after SG-1, the lack of recognisable characters might be forgiven (although they're never even mentioned), but the only race that's in both proper Stargate and this... humans. Not that that's hard. The main villains look like a cross between apes and alligators, and there are so many hyphens and character and race names that this show actually caused a world punctuation shortage in early 2003.
One point I feel must be mentioned: this show has a theme song. As in, with actual words. It's just as terrible as you think it is (assuming you think it's so terrible that Al Qaeda is trying to destroy the western world just to be sure that they got whoever wrote this monstrosity).
Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. It is, after all, a children's cartoon. Now, even when I was a calf, I think I still could have noticed that at the end of every single episode, Gus Bonner saves the day, and one of the team learns an important lesson about how they were acting wrong at the start. And predictable? I've been less sure that the sun will rise than I was that the team would escape when they were all captured by Da'Kyll (I'll try to refrain from mentioning his name too much, lest the internet run out of apostrophes).
To be fair, this can be enjoyed. But only if you start watching it with expectations so low, you'd be happy if the TV punched you in the face. And then exploded. Better than flushing your $20 down the toilet, but you'd probably get more enjoyment out of buying some donuts and throwing them at old people.
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label review. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, November 27, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
TV Review: Stargate Universe: Air (Parts 1-3)
I'm a bit worried here. SG1 and Atlantis have always been more traditional TV shows. Opening credits a full minute long, credits actually in the opening credits, episodes that don't follow a continuous arc (which sucks because then it's hard to watch them out of order), not shot from a documentary style viewpoint (which Firefly popularised... why did it get cancelled anyway? It's hard to find a sci-fi show these days which isn't at least a little influenced by it). SGU is, by the looks of it, none of these. It's still early days, so I'm hopeful about what it'll become, but don't expect a traditional Stargate experience here.
That's not to say it's not good. Stargate generally has a good attention to detail, this is no exception. Unfortunately, I'm also not seeing of the trademark Stargate humour here, either. Again, this could change, but it doesn't leave me particularly hoepful.
This is probably the point where some people would tell you the plot - to me, that's not particularly important. If you like the plot of Stargate, you're probably going to like this (I'm not a fan of the emphasis on flashbacks for the first part though). If you like sci-fi these days, there's a good chance you'll like how the story goes. It's slightly predictable and slightly cliché, but that doesn't make it bad.
Sound is good. I'm not too picky on sound in anything. As long as I can hear everything, and explosions sound like they could scare the crap out of the neighbours if you turned them up loud enough, I'm happy. How things look, I tend to be a bit pickier with the visuals. Everything's got a decent amount of detail and the special effects are great (I've never seen the kawoosh look that awesome). The Destiny looks great, too.
In short, since this is the point where I'm not really sure what to say: It's different. I want to like it, and while it's good, it's not quite Stargate. It's just that it's not really anything else, either. I'll keep watching (or just buy it on DVD when it comes out, importing if necessary).
That's not to say it's not good. Stargate generally has a good attention to detail, this is no exception. Unfortunately, I'm also not seeing of the trademark Stargate humour here, either. Again, this could change, but it doesn't leave me particularly hoepful.
This is probably the point where some people would tell you the plot - to me, that's not particularly important. If you like the plot of Stargate, you're probably going to like this (I'm not a fan of the emphasis on flashbacks for the first part though). If you like sci-fi these days, there's a good chance you'll like how the story goes. It's slightly predictable and slightly cliché, but that doesn't make it bad.
Sound is good. I'm not too picky on sound in anything. As long as I can hear everything, and explosions sound like they could scare the crap out of the neighbours if you turned them up loud enough, I'm happy. How things look, I tend to be a bit pickier with the visuals. Everything's got a decent amount of detail and the special effects are great (I've never seen the kawoosh look that awesome). The Destiny looks great, too.
In short, since this is the point where I'm not really sure what to say: It's different. I want to like it, and while it's good, it's not quite Stargate. It's just that it's not really anything else, either. I'll keep watching (or just buy it on DVD when it comes out, importing if necessary).
Monday, September 7, 2009
Movie Review: Ponyo
I'll start by filtering out the crud:
If you think animation is only for kids, this movie isn't for you.
If you think Family Guy is the height of animation for adults to watch, this movie isn't for you.
If you think that animation only exists to be funny, this movie isn't for you.
If you've never seen a film by Hayao Miyazaki, you might have no idea what the hell I'm talking about in this review.
None of that is to say that this isn't suitable for kids or adults or isn't funny. It's more suitable for kids than any other Miyazaki movie I've seen (although some things might need some explaining to the little ones). It might not as good to the older set as Princess Mononoke. And while it probably is funnier than any of the Miyazaki movies I've seen, that's not its sole purpose for existence.
I'd give you the basic idea of the plot but that's really not necessary, look it up somewhere else. Yes, the plot is important (and quite good for the medium), bet regaling you of it is not why I'm here. It's told quite well, never leaving you confused as to what's going on (except maybe at the start, but how often do you know EXACTLY what is going on at the start of a movie?). Most importantly: it's fun! Yes, it may seem like it's aimed towards kids (as I said before, not necessarily true) but it really can be enjoyed by anyone, assuming you have a heart.
The art style is quite nice, full of vibrant colours and has just the right amount of detail (not much)... I guess you could say it has kind of a picture book look to it, but it suits and looks great doing so.
Now for the audio portion of our tour... music is quite nice, fits in perfectly... you may not notice it's there but if it wasn't, then you'd notice. Some of the voices are done by people you might recognise (Liam Neeson, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon), but they're in it because they're right for the roles, not to try and get people to notice the movie. There are a few things that crop up from the dub, the one I noticed most was that nobody could seem to agree on how to pronounce Sōsuke's name. I think it'd be nice to learn Japanese and listen to the original soundtrack (which should be on the DVD, as it is with other Studio Ghibli DVDs... while I'm on that, PLEASE, PLEASE stop correcting for overscan on the disc masters).
Summary: This movie may not be for everyone. It should be, though, and you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. Anyone who just brushes it aside because it's an anime movie or for whatever reason is doing themselves a big disservice.
If you think animation is only for kids, this movie isn't for you.
If you think Family Guy is the height of animation for adults to watch, this movie isn't for you.
If you think that animation only exists to be funny, this movie isn't for you.
If you've never seen a film by Hayao Miyazaki, you might have no idea what the hell I'm talking about in this review.
None of that is to say that this isn't suitable for kids or adults or isn't funny. It's more suitable for kids than any other Miyazaki movie I've seen (although some things might need some explaining to the little ones). It might not as good to the older set as Princess Mononoke. And while it probably is funnier than any of the Miyazaki movies I've seen, that's not its sole purpose for existence.
I'd give you the basic idea of the plot but that's really not necessary, look it up somewhere else. Yes, the plot is important (and quite good for the medium), bet regaling you of it is not why I'm here. It's told quite well, never leaving you confused as to what's going on (except maybe at the start, but how often do you know EXACTLY what is going on at the start of a movie?). Most importantly: it's fun! Yes, it may seem like it's aimed towards kids (as I said before, not necessarily true) but it really can be enjoyed by anyone, assuming you have a heart.
The art style is quite nice, full of vibrant colours and has just the right amount of detail (not much)... I guess you could say it has kind of a picture book look to it, but it suits and looks great doing so.
Now for the audio portion of our tour... music is quite nice, fits in perfectly... you may not notice it's there but if it wasn't, then you'd notice. Some of the voices are done by people you might recognise (Liam Neeson, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon), but they're in it because they're right for the roles, not to try and get people to notice the movie. There are a few things that crop up from the dub, the one I noticed most was that nobody could seem to agree on how to pronounce Sōsuke's name. I think it'd be nice to learn Japanese and listen to the original soundtrack (which should be on the DVD, as it is with other Studio Ghibli DVDs... while I'm on that, PLEASE, PLEASE stop correcting for overscan on the disc masters).
Summary: This movie may not be for everyone. It should be, though, and you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try. Anyone who just brushes it aside because it's an anime movie or for whatever reason is doing themselves a big disservice.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Review: Stargate SG-1: Children of the Gods: Final Cut
For those not familiar with Stargate, Children of the Gods was the 2 hour (with ads, so it ends up being closer to an hour and a half) pilot that premiered around 12 years ago. And, to be honest, it hasn't aged well, especially when compared to newer episodes of the series.
Okay, first let me discuss finances. I paid $50 for the first season. This DVD of just the first episode is $30. Is it worth it? Hell yes!
If you like CotG as it is... congratulations, you're in the minority. While it's a decent episode (most Stargate episodes are), it's pretty poor compared to some other episodes. Some of the dialogue in it is just painful to listen to, the pacing slows to a crawl at some points, the special effects are bad, inconsistent, and badly inconsistent, the video quality is pathetic in some spots, some of the shots give you a great view of everything but the action, the music feels like awkward mashup of the Stargate movie theme and new stuff, some people's voices sound nothing like they should, it's completely unsuitable for kids (hey, Stargate is supposed to be a family friendly show), and there are plot holes big enough to fly a 747 through. In short, calling it a train wreck is overly generous. Despite all that, it's a good episode (by TV standards. By Stargate standards, it's not great). But it stands up to the test of time far worse than most of the early episodes.
If you don't want me to spoil anything for you, just scroll down to the second bold text after this. If you've already seen it or you don't care, read on.
Okay, now let's look at what they've done to make it better. First, visuals. The old opening title sequence is gone and there's a new one, not similar to anything you've seen from Stargate before. It's not badly done, but it does nothing to seem like it belongs to Stargate - just change the text and it could serve for anything even remotely related to sci fi. A decent number of the special effects shots have been redone, things like gate puddles and wormhole effects have been redone to look like they do later in the series (although some of the puddles don't seem to have been redone, and they stick out pretty badly). There's also more serious changes like redoing the glider chase on Chulak, as well as a couple of fairly distinctive scenes (like leaving the pyramid on Abydos). Some of the shots in the original were actually pretty poor quality, and some had noticeable defects, these have been fixed.
Sound: Most of the music has been redone so that it doesn't awkwardly include the movie's theme... sounds good but isn't particularly notable (unlike the original, in which it was notably bad). Some of the dialogue has been recorded, so characters now sound much more like... themselves.
Okay, now I really have to warn you. SPOILERS AHEAD. If you don't want to read them, scroll down to the next bold text (not far).
Now for how it's been cut. I'm not going to lie to you (about this): it's about 5 minutes shorter than it used to be. Among the cuts are possibly parts you may like (such as Carter's famous line when meeting "the boys" for the first time), but many of those are "so bad it's good" parts, so not a great loss. Also gone is the infamous nude scene. Stargate is supposed to be a family show... in that kids may not like it but there's no harm in showing it to them. There are still scenes with unclad ladies, but everything's tastefully obscured. Also gone is the bit just before the end with Kawalski alluding to the next episode... now it can stand by itself. This maybe gives the episode a bit of a happier ending than it should have (since Sha're and Skaara have both been made hosts) but is better in the long run. Overall it feels like the whole episode goes together a lot better... and it feels like it belongs to the series a lot more. The original cut, excluding the familiar characters, settings, themes and basic premise, could almost seem like it belongs to another series.
Good news! No more spoilers. Bad news! There's not much review left. Good news! There's not much review left.
Special features: sadly not much. There's a new commentary on it, full of Brad Wright pointing out changes you may or may not notice and Richard Dean Anderson being funny. No, really, if you have the DVD, listen the commentary now. If you don't have the DVD, buy it and listen to the commentary. There's also a short piece on how this came about and a few of the changes they made - it's good for watching once but that's about it. And... that's it, no more special features. I would have preferred some more in-depth stuff about redoing it, maybe some interviews with some of the cast... oh well.
Overall: if you're a Stargate fan, buy this. If you're not a Stargate fan, buy this (it makes for a great introduction to the series, better than the original cut).
Okay, first let me discuss finances. I paid $50 for the first season. This DVD of just the first episode is $30. Is it worth it? Hell yes!
If you like CotG as it is... congratulations, you're in the minority. While it's a decent episode (most Stargate episodes are), it's pretty poor compared to some other episodes. Some of the dialogue in it is just painful to listen to, the pacing slows to a crawl at some points, the special effects are bad, inconsistent, and badly inconsistent, the video quality is pathetic in some spots, some of the shots give you a great view of everything but the action, the music feels like awkward mashup of the Stargate movie theme and new stuff, some people's voices sound nothing like they should, it's completely unsuitable for kids (hey, Stargate is supposed to be a family friendly show), and there are plot holes big enough to fly a 747 through. In short, calling it a train wreck is overly generous. Despite all that, it's a good episode (by TV standards. By Stargate standards, it's not great). But it stands up to the test of time far worse than most of the early episodes.
If you don't want me to spoil anything for you, just scroll down to the second bold text after this. If you've already seen it or you don't care, read on.
Okay, now let's look at what they've done to make it better. First, visuals. The old opening title sequence is gone and there's a new one, not similar to anything you've seen from Stargate before. It's not badly done, but it does nothing to seem like it belongs to Stargate - just change the text and it could serve for anything even remotely related to sci fi. A decent number of the special effects shots have been redone, things like gate puddles and wormhole effects have been redone to look like they do later in the series (although some of the puddles don't seem to have been redone, and they stick out pretty badly). There's also more serious changes like redoing the glider chase on Chulak, as well as a couple of fairly distinctive scenes (like leaving the pyramid on Abydos). Some of the shots in the original were actually pretty poor quality, and some had noticeable defects, these have been fixed.
Sound: Most of the music has been redone so that it doesn't awkwardly include the movie's theme... sounds good but isn't particularly notable (unlike the original, in which it was notably bad). Some of the dialogue has been recorded, so characters now sound much more like... themselves.
Okay, now I really have to warn you. SPOILERS AHEAD. If you don't want to read them, scroll down to the next bold text (not far).
Now for how it's been cut. I'm not going to lie to you (about this): it's about 5 minutes shorter than it used to be. Among the cuts are possibly parts you may like (such as Carter's famous line when meeting "the boys" for the first time), but many of those are "so bad it's good" parts, so not a great loss. Also gone is the infamous nude scene. Stargate is supposed to be a family show... in that kids may not like it but there's no harm in showing it to them. There are still scenes with unclad ladies, but everything's tastefully obscured. Also gone is the bit just before the end with Kawalski alluding to the next episode... now it can stand by itself. This maybe gives the episode a bit of a happier ending than it should have (since Sha're and Skaara have both been made hosts) but is better in the long run. Overall it feels like the whole episode goes together a lot better... and it feels like it belongs to the series a lot more. The original cut, excluding the familiar characters, settings, themes and basic premise, could almost seem like it belongs to another series.
Good news! No more spoilers. Bad news! There's not much review left. Good news! There's not much review left.
Special features: sadly not much. There's a new commentary on it, full of Brad Wright pointing out changes you may or may not notice and Richard Dean Anderson being funny. No, really, if you have the DVD, listen the commentary now. If you don't have the DVD, buy it and listen to the commentary. There's also a short piece on how this came about and a few of the changes they made - it's good for watching once but that's about it. And... that's it, no more special features. I would have preferred some more in-depth stuff about redoing it, maybe some interviews with some of the cast... oh well.
Overall: if you're a Stargate fan, buy this. If you're not a Stargate fan, buy this (it makes for a great introduction to the series, better than the original cut).
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Five
Space Invaders Extreme
News flash: slightly fancier versions of really, really old games are still as old as the original. Now excuse me as I install neon lights on my Monopoly board.
Would I be caught dead with it? Those invaders won't find it on me.
Star Trek: D.A.C.
Ooh, I love acronyms. Star Trek: Damn Annoying Crap? Star Trek: Damnit, Another Camel? Star Trek: Danish Astronauts Carpool? Star Trek: Destroy All Creatures? Who knows?
Would I be caught dead with it? The English language will kill me for what I just did to it, but no.
Texas Cheat'em
Damn this is ugly. And boring. Any game designed around quick-time events deserves its own circle in hell.
Would I be caught dead with it? Hell no!
The Maw
A game about my life. Except I'm not purple. Or one eyed. And my name isn't Maw. Still, it reminds me of me, and that's good enough in my book.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, as an autobiography.
Ticket to Ride
I've made it clear before how I love a nice physical game to video game transition, and this makes the cut.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, although without thousands of REAL cards to choke on, I'll live forever.
Uno Rush
How fun would real games be if you forcefully sped them up? Think about it. "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. And do it in the next 5 seconds or I whoop your ass!". It just doesn't work.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. (just imagine that in a really high pitched sped up voice)
Worms
Sure, it's not the best version of Worms around (and no, I won't tell you what is, as I'll get flamed... and by that I mean BBQ'd). But blowing little worms straight to hell never gets old.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and I'll have left a little explosive present for anyone nearby.
Zuma
Don't get me wrong, I hate this on computer too, so I'm being completely fair. But this simply DOES NOT WORK WITH ANALOG STICKS. You need a mouse. And to have lost all self respect to be playing it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance in hell.
News flash: slightly fancier versions of really, really old games are still as old as the original. Now excuse me as I install neon lights on my Monopoly board.
Would I be caught dead with it? Those invaders won't find it on me.
Star Trek: D.A.C.
Ooh, I love acronyms. Star Trek: Damn Annoying Crap? Star Trek: Damnit, Another Camel? Star Trek: Danish Astronauts Carpool? Star Trek: Destroy All Creatures? Who knows?
Would I be caught dead with it? The English language will kill me for what I just did to it, but no.
Texas Cheat'em
Damn this is ugly. And boring. Any game designed around quick-time events deserves its own circle in hell.
Would I be caught dead with it? Hell no!
The Maw
A game about my life. Except I'm not purple. Or one eyed. And my name isn't Maw. Still, it reminds me of me, and that's good enough in my book.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, as an autobiography.
Ticket to Ride
I've made it clear before how I love a nice physical game to video game transition, and this makes the cut.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, although without thousands of REAL cards to choke on, I'll live forever.
Uno Rush
How fun would real games be if you forcefully sped them up? Think about it. "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. And do it in the next 5 seconds or I whoop your ass!". It just doesn't work.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. (just imagine that in a really high pitched sped up voice)
Worms
Sure, it's not the best version of Worms around (and no, I won't tell you what is, as I'll get flamed... and by that I mean BBQ'd). But blowing little worms straight to hell never gets old.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and I'll have left a little explosive present for anyone nearby.
Zuma
Don't get me wrong, I hate this on computer too, so I'm being completely fair. But this simply DOES NOT WORK WITH ANALOG STICKS. You need a mouse. And to have lost all self respect to be playing it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance in hell.
Friday, June 19, 2009
One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Four
N+
The full version is saved for the masochistic elite.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. And then I'll start cutting myself (but not in an emo way).
NEW RALLY-X
If by "new" you mean "the same as the original with slightly newer levels", then yes. The only problem is that the same isn't very good.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.
OutRun Online Arcade
Finally, a racing game that understands those of us who don't want to touch the brakes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'd probably die crashing head-first into a wall.
PAC-MAN
The yellow guy's starting to get a bit old. Seriously, at his age he needs the power pellets mashed up first.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. And get off my lawn, you damn kids!
Pac-Man C.E.
Also known as "son of Pac-Man". He's also learned a few tricks, it seems.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, possibly only because it reminds me of eating.
Prince of Persia
There's a reason Ubisoft saw to "carefully forget" everything when they made Sands of Time.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was bored to death.
Rez HD
Bringing great games to bigger masses. But they still won't play them.
Would I be caught dead with it? Everyone should!
R-Type Dimensions
This series seems to have failed to successfully travel the fourth dimension: time. That, or we're still in the early 90's.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only for want of more shumps. Actually screw that, I'll stick to Ikaruga.
Small Arms
Not small enough it seems, since this piece of crap managed to reach me.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I'm bribed to.
Smash TV
So average you'll want to smash your TV.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only because it has hordes of stuff to kill.
The full version is saved for the masochistic elite.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. And then I'll start cutting myself (but not in an emo way).
NEW RALLY-X
If by "new" you mean "the same as the original with slightly newer levels", then yes. The only problem is that the same isn't very good.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.
OutRun Online Arcade
Finally, a racing game that understands those of us who don't want to touch the brakes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'd probably die crashing head-first into a wall.
PAC-MAN
The yellow guy's starting to get a bit old. Seriously, at his age he needs the power pellets mashed up first.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. And get off my lawn, you damn kids!
Pac-Man C.E.
Also known as "son of Pac-Man". He's also learned a few tricks, it seems.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, possibly only because it reminds me of eating.
Prince of Persia
There's a reason Ubisoft saw to "carefully forget" everything when they made Sands of Time.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was bored to death.
Rez HD
Bringing great games to bigger masses. But they still won't play them.
Would I be caught dead with it? Everyone should!
R-Type Dimensions
This series seems to have failed to successfully travel the fourth dimension: time. That, or we're still in the early 90's.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only for want of more shumps. Actually screw that, I'll stick to Ikaruga.
Small Arms
Not small enough it seems, since this piece of crap managed to reach me.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I'm bribed to.
Smash TV
So average you'll want to smash your TV.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only because it has hordes of stuff to kill.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Three
Heavy Weapon
The most boring dual-stick shooter since I took a dump on Geometry Wars.
Would I be caught dead with it? Probably, but I wouldn't admit it.
Ikaruga
There's but one conclusion to be had from this: not enough decent shumps.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. Very yes.
Lode Runner
What a lode of crap.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.
Lumines Live!
Good, I didn't want the pre-recorded version. Oh, and it's synesthesia-tastic!
Would I be caught dead with it? No (I have a better version), but you should.
Marble Blast Ultra
The best time I've had playing with balls since Kula World on the PS1.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends how long it is before I die.
Mega Man 9
Some things should stay in the past. This shouldn't have been there, either.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. Just no.
Meteos Wars
Teaches valuable lessons about falling blocks, matching colours, gravity, rockets, and unfair game mechanics.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!
Minesweeper Flags
By definition, minesweeper is a boring game. Would solitare be more fun if it was competitive and had powerups? I thought so.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance.
Mr. Driller Online
Lesson one: the demo should at least live up to the title of the game (this doesn't). Lesson two: don't play this game.
Would I be caught dead with it? No way.
Ms. Pac-Man
What, did she and Pac-Man get divorced or something? Maybe she had an affair... Oh, and the game's flat average.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.
The most boring dual-stick shooter since I took a dump on Geometry Wars.
Would I be caught dead with it? Probably, but I wouldn't admit it.
Ikaruga
There's but one conclusion to be had from this: not enough decent shumps.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. Very yes.
Lode Runner
What a lode of crap.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.
Lumines Live!
Good, I didn't want the pre-recorded version. Oh, and it's synesthesia-tastic!
Would I be caught dead with it? No (I have a better version), but you should.
Marble Blast Ultra
The best time I've had playing with balls since Kula World on the PS1.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends how long it is before I die.
Mega Man 9
Some things should stay in the past. This shouldn't have been there, either.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. Just no.
Meteos Wars
Teaches valuable lessons about falling blocks, matching colours, gravity, rockets, and unfair game mechanics.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!
Minesweeper Flags
By definition, minesweeper is a boring game. Would solitare be more fun if it was competitive and had powerups? I thought so.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance.
Mr. Driller Online
Lesson one: the demo should at least live up to the title of the game (this doesn't). Lesson two: don't play this game.
Would I be caught dead with it? No way.
Ms. Pac-Man
What, did she and Pac-Man get divorced or something? Maybe she had an affair... Oh, and the game's flat average.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.
Friday, June 5, 2009
One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Two
Dash of Destruction
Advertising meets crap gameplay in a mashup of bastardly proportions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not once I got my free gamerpoints.
DOOM
Sure, it's among the first FPS's. But if we thought the first of everything was good, I'd be riding my penny-farthing everywhere. There's a reason I don't.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'm a completionist.
Duke Nukem 3D
Come get some!
Would I be caught dead with it? Groovy.
E4
A game that's just about blowing things up should be more fun than this is.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends on whether I die by self-destructing.
EXIT
For someone who's trying to get out of emergencies, this guy sure is slow... he looks cool though.
Would I be caught dead with it? Maaaaaaaaaaybe...
Frogger
Gaming has come a long way. Oh wait... beep bloop bloop.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was a frog.
Galaga
Again, one of the classics I'm not really a fan of. To put it less simply, I'm not particular fond of shumps inherently because of their nature.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.
Galaga Legions
Like Galaga. Looks better. Don't care.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only slightly more than regular Galaga.
Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Pew pew pew!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, if the sequel didn't exist.
Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
Pew pew pew pew! Haha, die you mischievous shapes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and get some revenge on that triangle for me.
Advertising meets crap gameplay in a mashup of bastardly proportions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not once I got my free gamerpoints.
DOOM
Sure, it's among the first FPS's. But if we thought the first of everything was good, I'd be riding my penny-farthing everywhere. There's a reason I don't.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'm a completionist.
Duke Nukem 3D
Come get some!
Would I be caught dead with it? Groovy.
E4
A game that's just about blowing things up should be more fun than this is.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends on whether I die by self-destructing.
EXIT
For someone who's trying to get out of emergencies, this guy sure is slow... he looks cool though.
Would I be caught dead with it? Maaaaaaaaaaybe...
Frogger
Gaming has come a long way. Oh wait... beep bloop bloop.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was a frog.
Galaga
Again, one of the classics I'm not really a fan of. To put it less simply, I'm not particular fond of shumps inherently because of their nature.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.
Galaga Legions
Like Galaga. Looks better. Don't care.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only slightly more than regular Galaga.
Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Pew pew pew!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, if the sequel didn't exist.
Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
Pew pew pew pew! Haha, die you mischievous shapes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and get some revenge on that triangle for me.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part One
I'm too cheap to buy the games, so I'll just play the demos to death! At least I can give you a decent opinion of them then.
Age of Booty
A little simple, but awesomely fun strategy-ish game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes
Assault Heroes
It's assaulting my eyes and good taste! At least it's doing it heroically.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if there was nothing better. Unfortunately, there is.
Banjo-Kazooie
A fine example of why Microsoft should never have bought Rare.
Would I be caught dead with it? You need to ask?
Banjo-Tooie
You can never have Tooie much Banjo.
Would I be caught dead with it? See above.
Bomberman Live
He's not quite at his best, but it's still blowing $%@# up, so how can you complain?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, why not.
Carcassonne
All the nerdy tile-playing goodness, now without the actual tiles!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!
Castlevania: SOTN
Sure, it's supposedly a classic. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not if my life depended on it (which it wouldn't, with me being dead and all).
Catan
WILL SOMEBODY JUST TRADE ME SOME LUMBER?!?!?!?!?!?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, you can grab it and my secret stockpile of lumber from my corpse.
Cloning Clyde
Gives me some ideas. Like cloning myself and punching you in the head from four different directions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not really.
Crystal Defenders
Hint to Square: When porting a mobile phone game to the Xbox, don't make it look, sound, and play like a mobile phone game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I've played 80% of the world's games before I die.
Age of Booty
A little simple, but awesomely fun strategy-ish game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes
Assault Heroes
It's assaulting my eyes and good taste! At least it's doing it heroically.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if there was nothing better. Unfortunately, there is.
Banjo-Kazooie
A fine example of why Microsoft should never have bought Rare.
Would I be caught dead with it? You need to ask?
Banjo-Tooie
You can never have Tooie much Banjo.
Would I be caught dead with it? See above.
Bomberman Live
He's not quite at his best, but it's still blowing $%@# up, so how can you complain?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, why not.
Carcassonne
All the nerdy tile-playing goodness, now without the actual tiles!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!
Castlevania: SOTN
Sure, it's supposedly a classic. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not if my life depended on it (which it wouldn't, with me being dead and all).
Catan
WILL SOMEBODY JUST TRADE ME SOME LUMBER?!?!?!?!?!?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, you can grab it and my secret stockpile of lumber from my corpse.
Cloning Clyde
Gives me some ideas. Like cloning myself and punching you in the head from four different directions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not really.
Crystal Defenders
Hint to Square: When porting a mobile phone game to the Xbox, don't make it look, sound, and play like a mobile phone game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I've played 80% of the world's games before I die.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 3: Boost Specials
There's only two of these cars, so they get a bit of special treatment.
Carson Extreme Hot Rod
If there's one thing to be said about this car, it's this: you WILL crash. That or you're going to have to slow down enough so that you lost all the speed you gained. For those of you not in the know, this car has unlimited boost. Just press the button and boost away. The catch? There are only two ways to stop boosting: crash or slow down until you're barely moving. If you're really careful, it's almost possible to keep some semblance of control... but not really. While it's not recommended if you're making a multitude of turns, it can't be beat for leaving someone choking on your dust on the I-88, through the mountains, or anywhere with few objects and a decent road:traffic ratio. And if you see that smartarse in the Nighthawk who never seems to run out of boost, you're more than capable of shoving him (or about anything short of a Takedown) into the next state. Just learn from my mistakes and don't t-bone anyone at inordinate speeds. Satisfying, yes, but respawning will lose you valuable seconds you could use taking other people down. And you know better than that, don't you?
Oh, one final warning: don't activate the boost just before a corner. If only I'd heed my own warnings.
Performance: 9/10. It's not exactly the fastest accelerating car in the world, since it's kind of heavy. Boosting removes that problem though.
Handling: 6/10. It'll get you around corners and into other cars with relative ease... not much else though.
Boosting: 11/10. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!
Crashing: 8/10. It'll usually be on the winning end of crashes. Which is good, because you'll be doing it a lot, whether you want to or not.
Useful for:
Hawker Mech
This is actually a hard car to review positively. Again for the unwashed masses, this can switch between stunt, speed and aggression boost modes whenever you want. The problem is that it's about as agile as a cow riding a bike, about as fast as... a cow riding a bike, and nowhere near as strong as...... a Takedown 4x4 (or a cow riding a bike). That's the problem with branching out: you're never as good at any one thing (except for the cow riding a bike... once it gets back to the paddock, it'll be milked dry then taken to slaughter, you heartless bastards). The Mech's good enough for stunt events (let's face it though, I've beaten a stunt event in a toy Citizen), not really fast enough to beat a lot of race cars (or the Extreme Hot Rod), and nowhere near strong enough to win most of the road rages. So what is it good for? Not bad at marked man, since you frequently have to switch between defense, speed, and trying to make jumps you don't think your pursuers can. It's also not a bad choice for a freeburn online, as you'll be able to at least come close to doing most of the challenges.
Oh, and it has a rather nice light/paint scheme. But that doesn't really make it any more useful.
Performance: 7/10. No slouch. But not a real winner either. You make sure to tell that to the guys whizzing past you.
Handling: 9/10. It'd have to be for the stunt boost to be any good... and it still isn't. But it tries, damnit!
Boosting: 7/10. It's a 10/10 on the cool factor. But since when did I care about the cool factor?
Crashing: 6/10. There's a lot it can't stand up to. Make sure to pick on those weaker than you, in case you weren't already.
Useful for:
Best in set for:
Burning petrol faster than it's capable of being produced: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Jumping, changing boost types midair, then wondering why just changed boost types midair: Hawker Mech
Lighting up a small neighbourhood: Hawker Mech
Involuntary destruction: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Lifting the front end of your car in the air, then crushing a small car under it: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Staying Alive (cue music): Hawker Mech
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Carson Extreme Hot Rod. If you can't afford that, then buy the GT Nighthawk and the Manhattan Spirit, put them together and it's basically the same thing. If you still can't afford them, there's only one real option for you... a cow on a bike.
Carson Extreme Hot Rod
If there's one thing to be said about this car, it's this: you WILL crash. That or you're going to have to slow down enough so that you lost all the speed you gained. For those of you not in the know, this car has unlimited boost. Just press the button and boost away. The catch? There are only two ways to stop boosting: crash or slow down until you're barely moving. If you're really careful, it's almost possible to keep some semblance of control... but not really. While it's not recommended if you're making a multitude of turns, it can't be beat for leaving someone choking on your dust on the I-88, through the mountains, or anywhere with few objects and a decent road:traffic ratio. And if you see that smartarse in the Nighthawk who never seems to run out of boost, you're more than capable of shoving him (or about anything short of a Takedown) into the next state. Just learn from my mistakes and don't t-bone anyone at inordinate speeds. Satisfying, yes, but respawning will lose you valuable seconds you could use taking other people down. And you know better than that, don't you?
Oh, one final warning: don't activate the boost just before a corner. If only I'd heed my own warnings.
Performance: 9/10. It's not exactly the fastest accelerating car in the world, since it's kind of heavy. Boosting removes that problem though.
Handling: 6/10. It'll get you around corners and into other cars with relative ease... not much else though.
Boosting: 11/10. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!
Crashing: 8/10. It'll usually be on the winning end of crashes. Which is good, because you'll be doing it a lot, whether you want to or not.
Useful for:
- Destroying Paradise City, one wall at a time. It doesn't really matter whether there are people driving these walls or whether these walls are in fact "cars", because you'll be destroying them anyway.
- Bringing the world's rubber supply to its knees. Why do burnouts for fun when you can ruin your tyres AND the atmosphere at the same time?
- Demonstrating new heights of overkill... that I've probably broken already.
Hawker Mech
This is actually a hard car to review positively. Again for the unwashed masses, this can switch between stunt, speed and aggression boost modes whenever you want. The problem is that it's about as agile as a cow riding a bike, about as fast as... a cow riding a bike, and nowhere near as strong as...... a Takedown 4x4 (or a cow riding a bike). That's the problem with branching out: you're never as good at any one thing (except for the cow riding a bike... once it gets back to the paddock, it'll be milked dry then taken to slaughter, you heartless bastards). The Mech's good enough for stunt events (let's face it though, I've beaten a stunt event in a toy Citizen), not really fast enough to beat a lot of race cars (or the Extreme Hot Rod), and nowhere near strong enough to win most of the road rages. So what is it good for? Not bad at marked man, since you frequently have to switch between defense, speed, and trying to make jumps you don't think your pursuers can. It's also not a bad choice for a freeburn online, as you'll be able to at least come close to doing most of the challenges.
Oh, and it has a rather nice light/paint scheme. But that doesn't really make it any more useful.
Performance: 7/10. No slouch. But not a real winner either. You make sure to tell that to the guys whizzing past you.
Handling: 9/10. It'd have to be for the stunt boost to be any good... and it still isn't. But it tries, damnit!
Boosting: 7/10. It's a 10/10 on the cool factor. But since when did I care about the cool factor?
Crashing: 6/10. There's a lot it can't stand up to. Make sure to pick on those weaker than you, in case you weren't already.
Useful for:
- Looking cool. No, really, it does. Well, mostly. Okay, maybe a little. Possibly a smidge on the fat side though.
- Changing styles in the middle of a race. All the superheroes do it. Well, maybe just the supervillians. I haven't been to a meeting with those guys in a while so I'm not so sure.
Best in set for:
Burning petrol faster than it's capable of being produced: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Jumping, changing boost types midair, then wondering why just changed boost types midair: Hawker Mech
Lighting up a small neighbourhood: Hawker Mech
Involuntary destruction: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Lifting the front end of your car in the air, then crushing a small car under it: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Staying Alive (cue music): Hawker Mech
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Carson Extreme Hot Rod. If you can't afford that, then buy the GT Nighthawk and the Manhattan Spirit, put them together and it's basically the same thing. If you still can't afford them, there's only one real option for you... a cow on a bike.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 2: Toy Cars
Too many toy cars to give each a thorough review, so a few sentences and score out of 10 will have to do.
Toy Hunter Cavalry
Toy Cavalry vs. Cavalry Bootlegger: The ultimate test of toys against the full size demons. Who wins? The bootlegger. But toy barrel rolls are still undeniably awesome. 7/10
Toy Hunter Manhattan
Cruising in toy style. Unfortunately it's not cruising particularly fast. Still, it's good for either that toy pimp or midget wannabe in your life. 5/10
Toy Krieger WTR
Hey, Formula 1. Yeah, you. You want to get people in to races? Start sending these around tracks and watch the money come. 8/10
Toy Jansen P12
I'm sure everyone would rather have a Toy 88 Special, but you can't have everything. It's still damn good for stunts. Doesn't look as appropriate as the Toy Cavalry, but it's better. Style or substance? It's your choice. 9/10
Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
The very definition of awesome: get a full size Takedown to jump over a few of these.
The very definition of ultra-awesome: get one of these to jump over a few full size Takedowns.
Also useful for forcefully clearing blocked streets. 8/10
Toy Carson GT Concept
It's toy muscle. Theoretically, it should therefore be about 1/8th the size of real muscle, come with indecipherable instructions, break after about 15 minutes, and not come with batteries.
Despite this it still manages to be a pretty good way to humiliate your opponents (especially a Toy WTR if you can pull that off). 7/10
Toy Hunter Citizen
When you first hear the name, you think it'd be useless because those toy handcuffs always have an easy release on them. But trust me, if there's enough left of the crooks after you're done with this, they're doing pretty well for themselves. 8/10
Toy Carson Inferno Van
If the toy van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin. Oh wait... they never make dolls accurate where people want them to be (be honest, you've looked).
Perhaps it's more useful as a brick wall on wheels... yeah, that'll do. Just remember that brick powered engines aren't particularly fast. 9/10
Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Such a shame, if only bikes weren't practically useless in-game. It'd be good for getting through tollbooths, because you'd fit under the gate and you'd be screaming through there so fast they couldn't get your number plate. Wait, Paradise city doesn't have those either? Well what is this good for? Wait, I know... hazing the new guy! *Gets a bunch of friends on Toy Firehawks, then boxes in someone on a regular Firehawk*... sweet. 8/10
Best in set for:
Riding a bike: Toy Jansen P12... most of the time you'll be on two or no wheels.
Having a turning circle larger than a toy city block: Toy Hunter Manhattan
Seeing possibly the first midget in a Burnout game: Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Seeing the second midget: Toy Krieger WTR
Vertical takedowns of pure ownage: Toy Hunter Cavalry
Being corrupt and putting toy good guys behind bars: Toy Hunter Citizen
Fitting an entire toy country in the passenger seat, and a full size island in the back: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Causing suicide resulting from embarassment at losing: Toy Carson GT Concept
Constructing mobile indestructible buildings: Toy Carson Inferno Van
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Disclaimer: Cuteness of toy cars had no effect on ratings, and will continue to have no effect until someone finds Slashee cute.
Toy Hunter Cavalry
Toy Cavalry vs. Cavalry Bootlegger: The ultimate test of toys against the full size demons. Who wins? The bootlegger. But toy barrel rolls are still undeniably awesome. 7/10
Toy Hunter Manhattan
Cruising in toy style. Unfortunately it's not cruising particularly fast. Still, it's good for either that toy pimp or midget wannabe in your life. 5/10
Toy Krieger WTR
Hey, Formula 1. Yeah, you. You want to get people in to races? Start sending these around tracks and watch the money come. 8/10
Toy Jansen P12
I'm sure everyone would rather have a Toy 88 Special, but you can't have everything. It's still damn good for stunts. Doesn't look as appropriate as the Toy Cavalry, but it's better. Style or substance? It's your choice. 9/10
Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
The very definition of awesome: get a full size Takedown to jump over a few of these.
The very definition of ultra-awesome: get one of these to jump over a few full size Takedowns.
Also useful for forcefully clearing blocked streets. 8/10
Toy Carson GT Concept
It's toy muscle. Theoretically, it should therefore be about 1/8th the size of real muscle, come with indecipherable instructions, break after about 15 minutes, and not come with batteries.
Despite this it still manages to be a pretty good way to humiliate your opponents (especially a Toy WTR if you can pull that off). 7/10
Toy Hunter Citizen
When you first hear the name, you think it'd be useless because those toy handcuffs always have an easy release on them. But trust me, if there's enough left of the crooks after you're done with this, they're doing pretty well for themselves. 8/10
Toy Carson Inferno Van
If the toy van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin. Oh wait... they never make dolls accurate where people want them to be (be honest, you've looked).
Perhaps it's more useful as a brick wall on wheels... yeah, that'll do. Just remember that brick powered engines aren't particularly fast. 9/10
Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Such a shame, if only bikes weren't practically useless in-game. It'd be good for getting through tollbooths, because you'd fit under the gate and you'd be screaming through there so fast they couldn't get your number plate. Wait, Paradise city doesn't have those either? Well what is this good for? Wait, I know... hazing the new guy! *Gets a bunch of friends on Toy Firehawks, then boxes in someone on a regular Firehawk*... sweet. 8/10
Best in set for:
Riding a bike: Toy Jansen P12... most of the time you'll be on two or no wheels.
Having a turning circle larger than a toy city block: Toy Hunter Manhattan
Seeing possibly the first midget in a Burnout game: Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Seeing the second midget: Toy Krieger WTR
Vertical takedowns of pure ownage: Toy Hunter Cavalry
Being corrupt and putting toy good guys behind bars: Toy Hunter Citizen
Fitting an entire toy country in the passenger seat, and a full size island in the back: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Causing suicide resulting from embarassment at losing: Toy Carson GT Concept
Constructing mobile indestructible buildings: Toy Carson Inferno Van
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Disclaimer: Cuteness of toy cars had no effect on ratings, and will continue to have no effect until someone finds Slashee cute.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 1: Legendary Cars
Being a chump, I've bought all the downloadable vehicles for Burnout Paradise (as for why the party pack isn't the first DLC review... I didn't buy it, as I have nobody to party with). I'll be reviewing them in 3 parts, then posting a summary. Up first, the legendary cars:
Jansen 88 Special (you might know it as: DeLorean from Back To The Future)
Undeniably the coolest car of the pack (the Nighthawk gives it a run for its money but ultimately loses), it can switch between road mode (i.e. normal) and hover (lights on back go on, wheels fold somewhat into the car, whole thing stays about a foot or two off the road). Unfortunately, it can't fly, although making it hover does seem to affect the handling a bit (it seems to turn a lot more sharply using the handbrake when hovering).
Oh, and did I mention that there's a flame trail when you boost?
Performance: 7/10. It's no slouch, but there's plenty faster.
Handling: 9/10. It can pull off some pretty tight turns, but not much more than a regular Jansen P12 can do.
Boosting: 5/10. Standard stunt boost, hovering doesn't change anything.
Crashing: 3/10. It's weak... not really weak, but it doesn't take much at all to take it down.
Useful for: Showing off, making power parking harder while hovering (you heard me!).
Overall: 6/10. It's a decent performer in a stunt run, and it looks awesome, but it's not all that useful.
GT Nighthawk (you might know it as: KITT from Knight Rider)
If you just want to know one thing about this car... it's FAST! It looks fairly nondescript driving around normally (as nondescript as a sleek black car that looks like little else in the game can be), but it brings the goods when you start boosting. A rear wing pops up, and arrays of lights on the front and back start pulsating back and forth... you won't have that much time to look at the thing though because you'll be DODGING TONS OF &*$# COMING TOWARDS YOU. This thing is FAST while boosting, and generally the only things that slowed me down were traffic or walls (crashing hurts, and you really start to hate the slow-mo crash screen).
Performance: 10/10. It'd be either among or the fastest car in the game, and while it's a bit slower when not boosting it's still fairly fast.
Handling: 9/10. It's great at drifting when you're going flat out, and when you're not (how dare you?), it's completely more than adequate.
Boosting: 9/10. I'm knocking a point off because of how easy it is (for me) to run into anything in sight (and almost everything that isn't), that and it's a speed boost, and I hate earning enough to actually use it. Despite that... good luck catching up to this thing on an open road with a good driver.
Crashing: 3/10. About as good as the 88. Made worse by the fact that you'll be doing it a lot more.
Useful for: Outrunning and infuriating pursuers, looking like a secret agent, becoming well acquainted with the "wrecked" screen, and outrunning bullets.
Overall: 9/10. If you can control it, it's a potent weapon.
Manhattan Spirit (you might know it as: ECTO-1 (the car) from Ghostbusters)
It's large. It's not all that fast. It has sirens and lights.
The people you run into won't care about that, they'll be too busy cursing you and your descendants. Perhaps not in the car crushing ranks of the Inferno van or the Takedown 4x4 (then again, perhaps it is), the lights and sirens are a great way to let your adversaries know that death is imminent and resistance is futile.
I am sad to report that there are no streams to cross, however.
Performance: 5/10. It's not the fastest, but it doesn't need to be... just don't use it in a race.
Handling: 3/10. That tight corner? Forget about it. That average corner? Uh-uh. That gentle bend? Maybe... if you have enough speed you might be able to drift around it.
Boosting: 6/10. Standard aggression boost. Upgrades the car from "death on wheels" to "death and grave pisser-on-er on wheels". The boost may be standard aggression, the results surely are not.
Crashing: 9/10. Goes through most cars like a hot knife through butter. A couple of others have a chance, but only because they must be decommissioned tanks.
Useful for: Clearing paths through cars, light buildings, livestock and Greenpeace. And inspiring a permanent fear of sirens.
Overall: 9/10. If it's not the best car for road rages and such, it's among the top... but it's probably the most fun.
Cavalry Bootlegger (you might know it as: The General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard)
First, let me get this out of the way... a Mexican flag? That's just not traditional (however it is most likely within copyright law). Also a problem is that it's available in colours other than orange, and the doors' condition is yet to be determined. Other than that, it's not the fastest car, it's not the best handling (not exactly shabby in either category though). Trust me, the only reason you'd want this car is for the horn. And trust me, you DO want it. It's also among the best cars for stunt runs that I've tried, and damn it, it's traditional for stunt runs. If you own this car and aren't using it for stunt runs, what the hell is wrong with you?
Performance: 7/10. Not the fastest car in Paradise city, but there are many worse. It's good enough for most things (except maybe racing against faster cars).
Handling: 8/10. Good stunts need good control, and this'll get you lined up well enough. Threading massive car-sized needles might be out of the question, but the needles might make good weapons.
Boosting: Standard stunt boost. Doesn't give you a great deal more speed, but you'll have no problem filling it up. Depending on what you're doing, draining it might be the hard part.
Crashing: 7/10. It's The General Lee, or as close as is allowed by copyright. It's no Manhattan Spirit, but it can certainly hold its own.
Useful for: Pretending you're on an old TV show, giving you an excuse to do old-guy narration when going over jumps, sending people to mental institutions by pulling up beside then and continunally blowing your horn.
Overall: 8/10. It's fun for stunts, and more fun* freeburning online. Just get in that old Duke mentality: there's always some predictable but awesome stunt you can do to win the race.
*Only for you.
Best in set for:
Looking awesome: Jansen 88 Special
Kicking ass (speed): GT Nighthawk
Kicking ass (literally): Manhattan Spirit
Pulling off insane stunts: Cavalry Bootlegger
Infuriating people: Cavalry Bootlegger
Driving while listening to Ride of the Valkyries: Manhattan Spirit
Throwing your controller across the room: GT Nighthawk
That futuristic roleplaying fantasy you've always wanted to do: Jansen 88 Special.
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Cavalry Bootlegger. But since when does what I say matter? You're going to buy the 88 Special, that's a fact.
Jansen 88 Special (you might know it as: DeLorean from Back To The Future)
Undeniably the coolest car of the pack (the Nighthawk gives it a run for its money but ultimately loses), it can switch between road mode (i.e. normal) and hover (lights on back go on, wheels fold somewhat into the car, whole thing stays about a foot or two off the road). Unfortunately, it can't fly, although making it hover does seem to affect the handling a bit (it seems to turn a lot more sharply using the handbrake when hovering).
Oh, and did I mention that there's a flame trail when you boost?
Performance: 7/10. It's no slouch, but there's plenty faster.
Handling: 9/10. It can pull off some pretty tight turns, but not much more than a regular Jansen P12 can do.
Boosting: 5/10. Standard stunt boost, hovering doesn't change anything.
Crashing: 3/10. It's weak... not really weak, but it doesn't take much at all to take it down.
Useful for: Showing off, making power parking harder while hovering (you heard me!).
Overall: 6/10. It's a decent performer in a stunt run, and it looks awesome, but it's not all that useful.
GT Nighthawk (you might know it as: KITT from Knight Rider)
If you just want to know one thing about this car... it's FAST! It looks fairly nondescript driving around normally (as nondescript as a sleek black car that looks like little else in the game can be), but it brings the goods when you start boosting. A rear wing pops up, and arrays of lights on the front and back start pulsating back and forth... you won't have that much time to look at the thing though because you'll be DODGING TONS OF &*$# COMING TOWARDS YOU. This thing is FAST while boosting, and generally the only things that slowed me down were traffic or walls (crashing hurts, and you really start to hate the slow-mo crash screen).
Performance: 10/10. It'd be either among or the fastest car in the game, and while it's a bit slower when not boosting it's still fairly fast.
Handling: 9/10. It's great at drifting when you're going flat out, and when you're not (how dare you?), it's completely more than adequate.
Boosting: 9/10. I'm knocking a point off because of how easy it is (for me) to run into anything in sight (and almost everything that isn't), that and it's a speed boost, and I hate earning enough to actually use it. Despite that... good luck catching up to this thing on an open road with a good driver.
Crashing: 3/10. About as good as the 88. Made worse by the fact that you'll be doing it a lot more.
Useful for: Outrunning and infuriating pursuers, looking like a secret agent, becoming well acquainted with the "wrecked" screen, and outrunning bullets.
Overall: 9/10. If you can control it, it's a potent weapon.
Manhattan Spirit (you might know it as: ECTO-1 (the car) from Ghostbusters)
It's large. It's not all that fast. It has sirens and lights.
The people you run into won't care about that, they'll be too busy cursing you and your descendants. Perhaps not in the car crushing ranks of the Inferno van or the Takedown 4x4 (then again, perhaps it is), the lights and sirens are a great way to let your adversaries know that death is imminent and resistance is futile.
I am sad to report that there are no streams to cross, however.
Performance: 5/10. It's not the fastest, but it doesn't need to be... just don't use it in a race.
Handling: 3/10. That tight corner? Forget about it. That average corner? Uh-uh. That gentle bend? Maybe... if you have enough speed you might be able to drift around it.
Boosting: 6/10. Standard aggression boost. Upgrades the car from "death on wheels" to "death and grave pisser-on-er on wheels". The boost may be standard aggression, the results surely are not.
Crashing: 9/10. Goes through most cars like a hot knife through butter. A couple of others have a chance, but only because they must be decommissioned tanks.
Useful for: Clearing paths through cars, light buildings, livestock and Greenpeace. And inspiring a permanent fear of sirens.
Overall: 9/10. If it's not the best car for road rages and such, it's among the top... but it's probably the most fun.
Cavalry Bootlegger (you might know it as: The General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard)
First, let me get this out of the way... a Mexican flag? That's just not traditional (however it is most likely within copyright law). Also a problem is that it's available in colours other than orange, and the doors' condition is yet to be determined. Other than that, it's not the fastest car, it's not the best handling (not exactly shabby in either category though). Trust me, the only reason you'd want this car is for the horn. And trust me, you DO want it. It's also among the best cars for stunt runs that I've tried, and damn it, it's traditional for stunt runs. If you own this car and aren't using it for stunt runs, what the hell is wrong with you?
Performance: 7/10. Not the fastest car in Paradise city, but there are many worse. It's good enough for most things (except maybe racing against faster cars).
Handling: 8/10. Good stunts need good control, and this'll get you lined up well enough. Threading massive car-sized needles might be out of the question, but the needles might make good weapons.
Boosting: Standard stunt boost. Doesn't give you a great deal more speed, but you'll have no problem filling it up. Depending on what you're doing, draining it might be the hard part.
Crashing: 7/10. It's The General Lee, or as close as is allowed by copyright. It's no Manhattan Spirit, but it can certainly hold its own.
Useful for: Pretending you're on an old TV show, giving you an excuse to do old-guy narration when going over jumps, sending people to mental institutions by pulling up beside then and continunally blowing your horn.
Overall: 8/10. It's fun for stunts, and more fun* freeburning online. Just get in that old Duke mentality: there's always some predictable but awesome stunt you can do to win the race.
*Only for you.
Best in set for:
Looking awesome: Jansen 88 Special
Kicking ass (speed): GT Nighthawk
Kicking ass (literally): Manhattan Spirit
Pulling off insane stunts: Cavalry Bootlegger
Infuriating people: Cavalry Bootlegger
Driving while listening to Ride of the Valkyries: Manhattan Spirit
Throwing your controller across the room: GT Nighthawk
That futuristic roleplaying fantasy you've always wanted to do: Jansen 88 Special.
If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Cavalry Bootlegger. But since when does what I say matter? You're going to buy the 88 Special, that's a fact.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Review: Prospekt's March (Coldplay)
Prospekt's March is an EP from Coldplay with mostly songs left over from the Viva la Vida sessions. I might review that later, but for now it's just the EP (which you can now get packaged with Viva la Vida anyway). It's important to state at this point that I like Coldplay and Viva la Vida, perhaps not so much as other bands and albums, but I won't review something I don't like (if I don't like it, I won't have it).
Since I'm not sure of the right way to do a music review (assuming there is one), I'll just write a couple of notes for each song. The unfortunate part is that it assumes you either don't know or don't care about the history and style of music. On to the songs:
Life in Technicolor II:
This is a version of Life in Technicolor from Viva la Vida, but now it has lyrics and it seems to have gained about a minute. I like it. I like the lyrics, I like the music (probably because I like the Life in Technicolor, but I digress), and it all flows together quite nicely.
8/10 - A worthy addition, though it does suffer a little bit because I've heard the music before.
Postcards from Far Away
A bit under a minute long, this piano piece is nice to listen to but it's nothing to write home about.
6/10 - It's short and nice but forgettable.
Glass of Water
Probably my favourite song on the EP, it doesn't quite beat songs like Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends from the album, but it definitely deserves a place next to them. It reminds me a bit of the song from the end of Bender's Big Score, actually.
9/10 - It's a great song, what more can I say?
Rainy Day
To be completely honest, this sounds to me like it could almost be a U2 song. Not that that's a bad thing (I'm not exactly the world's largest U2 fan, but I do like their music). Maybe that's what comes when Brian Eno produces music for both of them.
8/10 - Moves at a nice pace, sounds great.
Prospekt's March/Poppyfields
It's actually pretty slow, quiet and parts of it are just acoustic. Speeds up a little bit during the middle, and gains some more instruments, but it's probably the mellowest (is that a word?) of the whole EP. Slows down again near the end though, kind of a shame because I like the direction that it heads in, but not bad at all.
7/10 - Funnily enough, the title track isn't the greatest. It's still great though.
Lost+ (featuring Jay-Z)
I'll get this out of the way right now so that I don't waste your time. I HATE rap (or whatever you want to call it) music. I just find it annyoing, repetitive and in some particularly heinous cases, offensive to the ears. This track is just Lost! from the album with an additional vocal track stuck in the middle (rather awkwardly, it seems). Now that that's out of the way, let's move on...
0/10 - I'd give it negative points, but the skip button on my CD player works.
Lovers in Japan (Osaka Sun Mix)
As the title suggests, it's a different mix of Lovers in Japan from the album. To my untrained ear though, they're very similar.
6/10 - It's a nice song but I've (and so have you if you've listened the the Viva la Vida album) heard it before.
Now My Feet Won't Touch The Ground
Fairly slow (not so much as Prospekt's March though), and mostly acoustic (though like Prospekt's March, it picks up a little near the end), it's fairly melodic. It's only about two and a half minutes long, although ultimately, it's rather forgettable. I'm not saying that to mean it's bad, just that it's not very distinctive and blends in somewhat to the rest of the music.
6/10 - Slow, and a nice smooth finish the the EP but I bet you people won't really remember it.
Overall
With the glaring exception of Lost+ (of course, if you feel differently to me about that kind of music I'm sure you'd like it), it's all nice but some of it you've heard before, most of the rest you won't remember. Rainy Day and Glass of Water are fairly good though.
The score - not an average, not a combination, just a score - 8/10
Since I'm not sure of the right way to do a music review (assuming there is one), I'll just write a couple of notes for each song. The unfortunate part is that it assumes you either don't know or don't care about the history and style of music. On to the songs:
Life in Technicolor II:
This is a version of Life in Technicolor from Viva la Vida, but now it has lyrics and it seems to have gained about a minute. I like it. I like the lyrics, I like the music (probably because I like the Life in Technicolor, but I digress), and it all flows together quite nicely.
8/10 - A worthy addition, though it does suffer a little bit because I've heard the music before.
Postcards from Far Away
A bit under a minute long, this piano piece is nice to listen to but it's nothing to write home about.
6/10 - It's short and nice but forgettable.
Glass of Water
Probably my favourite song on the EP, it doesn't quite beat songs like Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends from the album, but it definitely deserves a place next to them. It reminds me a bit of the song from the end of Bender's Big Score, actually.
9/10 - It's a great song, what more can I say?
Rainy Day
To be completely honest, this sounds to me like it could almost be a U2 song. Not that that's a bad thing (I'm not exactly the world's largest U2 fan, but I do like their music). Maybe that's what comes when Brian Eno produces music for both of them.
8/10 - Moves at a nice pace, sounds great.
Prospekt's March/Poppyfields
It's actually pretty slow, quiet and parts of it are just acoustic. Speeds up a little bit during the middle, and gains some more instruments, but it's probably the mellowest (is that a word?) of the whole EP. Slows down again near the end though, kind of a shame because I like the direction that it heads in, but not bad at all.
7/10 - Funnily enough, the title track isn't the greatest. It's still great though.
Lost+ (featuring Jay-Z)
I'll get this out of the way right now so that I don't waste your time. I HATE rap (or whatever you want to call it) music. I just find it annyoing, repetitive and in some particularly heinous cases, offensive to the ears. This track is just Lost! from the album with an additional vocal track stuck in the middle (rather awkwardly, it seems). Now that that's out of the way, let's move on...
0/10 - I'd give it negative points, but the skip button on my CD player works.
Lovers in Japan (Osaka Sun Mix)
As the title suggests, it's a different mix of Lovers in Japan from the album. To my untrained ear though, they're very similar.
6/10 - It's a nice song but I've (and so have you if you've listened the the Viva la Vida album) heard it before.
Now My Feet Won't Touch The Ground
Fairly slow (not so much as Prospekt's March though), and mostly acoustic (though like Prospekt's March, it picks up a little near the end), it's fairly melodic. It's only about two and a half minutes long, although ultimately, it's rather forgettable. I'm not saying that to mean it's bad, just that it's not very distinctive and blends in somewhat to the rest of the music.
6/10 - Slow, and a nice smooth finish the the EP but I bet you people won't really remember it.
Overall
With the glaring exception of Lost+ (of course, if you feel differently to me about that kind of music I'm sure you'd like it), it's all nice but some of it you've heard before, most of the rest you won't remember. Rainy Day and Glass of Water are fairly good though.
The score - not an average, not a combination, just a score - 8/10
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