the rantings and ravings of a not quite sane cow

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You might be a masochist when...

...your idea of a nice hot bath involves lava.'ve run out of band-aids, and you own a factory that makes them. spend five minutes talking to Slashee.
...the next time you visit the hospital you'll earn a free amputation.
...N+ is your favourite game ever. can call for an ambulance by picking up the phone and saying "Yeah, it's me." visit the USA for its culture.
...nobody asks you to turn the air conditioning off because their tounges are frozen to the roof of their mouthss. willingly spend time in Stranglethron Vale.
...the wall is covered in something bouncy so anything you throw in frustration comes back and hits you. try to convine other people to play hide and seek on a police target range. insult Chuck Norris' mother just so he'll come and kick you. take "Danger: High Voltage" signs as a challenge.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Slashee's Guides To Life: How To Get Yourself Arrested At An Airport

Some people don't have easy access to enough guns to put the lobby scene in The Matrix to shame, so they can't easily set off the metal detectors. Regardless, if you want to get arrested, it's not too hard.

1. Dress Appropriately
The obvious solution here is not dress, but undress. While stripping naked and running as far as possible might seem like a good idea, they'll probably just consider you a harmless hooligan and let you go in short enough order (probably far from the airport, thus delaying any future attempts). Try to find clothes with as many pockets as possible, then fill them all with weirdly-shaped objects guaranteed to leave obvious bulges. Objects that beep every 10 seconds, have flashing lights or aerials sticking out of the pockets are a bonus. Wear nothing but winter clothes, especially in the middle of summer - there's more room to hide things and it just adds to the vibe you want.

2. Baggage
If you're actually going to catch a flight, or you don't mind carrying something around for while, bring a bag or two. Make sure the outside is soft, this ensures that the shape of what's inside can be easily seen. So what do you pack? Something that moves or vibrates at certain intervals is a good start - just make sure it's packed against the edge of the bag so people can see the outline of it moving. Find a bunch of small, hard objects (Lego bricks are a good choice), put them in a plastic bag and tie the top, but make sure they're loose. That gives you a nice sound whenever you shake the bag. If you have anything that beeps left after stuffing your pockets, throw that in there.

Make sure your bag is closed securely (and locked with about a dozen padlocks, make it seem like you REALLY don't want people getting in there) - you don't want anyone noticing that you don't actually have anything actually dangerous.

If you're bringing a bag to take on the plane with you, make sure to pack lots of water - you don't want to get thirsty - and leave a room at the top of the bottles (so you don't spill any when you open it). Just in case you get more thirsty than you anticipated, also tie some bottles to the outside. But who wants plain water? Find something nice and colourful to enhance the flavour. Or make it thicker. Just make sure to change it up a bit - you might get sick of it if you only have one flavour.

Some might recommend lining the sides of the bag with glass objects and "accidentally" bumping people - it's great for messing with individual people but it's not going to get you arrested.

3. Arrive In Style
Ordinary people drive cars. You're better than that. The following methods of transport are acceptable:
  • Hire a trained elephant and ride it to the front door.
  • Have dogs pull you in a sledge.
  • Get a bunch of helium balloons and tie them to a chair.
  • Find a colony of rats, ride a rug on top of them, and guide them with a piece of cheese attached to a fishing rod.
  • Skydive out of a plane.
  • Rolling in a giant hamster ball.
The important thing is that you go in through the front door - you want to deal with security.

4. Checking In
You can probably ignore this section if you live close enough to an airport to go there just for fun. Or read it. What do I care? Some of us only go on business. It's important that while checking in, you seem a little "off-balance", but don't go extreme, or they'll call security before you can have any fun. First, go to the check in desk for your airline last. It simply wouldn't be fair to everyone else if they were the only ones to enjoy your company.

When checking in, don't bring any tickets - you want them to look you up in their computer. If you can see it, subtly remove its network connection, since you want to make sure their technical support earns their keep. When asked for your name, ramble incoherently, then vehemently argue that IS your name; they'll probably ask for ID so they can spell it. Give them your Federal Breast Inspector badge, then run off giggling like a schoolgirl. If you're sure you want to at least attempt to get on a plane, put on a disguise and use a foreign accent, even if you're terrible at doing accents, then get your ticket.

5. Getting Through Security
Assuming you haven't been taken to either jail or the nuthouse yet, it's time to get through security. With a little work you can pull this off, but if you don't, you'll be lucky to make it out alive. Everything you put in your pockets is going to set off the metal detectors, so when they try to put you through it, claim your religion forbids it. Offer to go through the X-ray machine instead, and get belligerent when told you can't.

Eventually, they're going to want to search you more thoroughly. This, unfortunately for your dignity, will probably be a strip search. Agree, but don't make it easy for them. Make sure you get the following:
  1. Claim a psychological condition means the only people who you can cope with seeing you naked is an Olympic women's beach volleyball team. Then go into a corner, curl up into a ball and start crying.
  2. While the volleyball team is performing the search, fart as loudly as possible as often as possible. If possible, you want them to leave the room, so they're unable to finish the search.
  3. If that doesn't work, sing opera as loudly as possible as badly as possible. If you don't know any opera, just make stuff up that sounds Italian - nobody will know the difference.
  4. You may feel that you should skip to this step, but it's important not to. Make out with all the volleyballers in turn. If it doesn't make them go away (and you're allowed to hope it doesn't), then do it until they finish.
Now after the search is finished (they shouldn't find anything, everything is in your clothes and baggage) they'll let you through. If they try to take anything from your clothes or baggage, claim that you need it for medical reasons. If they wish to contact a doctor, make sure that they don't use their own (say they're "not acquainted with your condition"), and that you need to bring in your own doctor. Give them the phone number for a doctor which is on holiday, out golfing, or your safest bet, dead. Hopefully being unable to bring in your doctor, they'll let you go. If not, grow until you become The Incredible Hulk break through the nearest window and run into the terminal.

6. So You're In The Terminal
So you got in. What now? The airport is now your playground. Here are some recommended activities:
  • Find an open microphone and announce "the next 5 people to gate 10 will receive a free all expenses paid trip to Fiji".
  • Go to the food court and grab a bit of food from everyone. If they ask, say you're "sampling all the cultures of the world".
  • Go up to each gate and ask someone working there when the plane will leave. When you've been to all of them, go back to the first one and repeat.
  • If there's lots of people waiting for a flight, when the plane arrives get to the front of the queue to board and then stand there, refusing to move because it's your "sacred land" and that it "desecrates the land for anyone else to enter".
  • Go into a store and pretend to work there, making sure to answer every question in a way which ensures they'll never go back there again.
  • If you see anyone drinking Diet Coke, drop a Mentos in it.
Now, while these are all fun, and by all means you should go ahead and do them, the chances of getting arrested for doing them aren't great. So when you've finished with the fun activities, here's what you should do to accomplish your mission:
  • Stand near security guards with one of those dish microphone things, pointed in their direction, and writing things down on a pad.
  • With a clear bag filled with white powder (and if possible, for extra effect wear a gas mask), find people eating and sprinkle some on their food.
  • Attach things to walls and chairs wherever possible. It doesn't matter what it is - old gum, balls of sticky tape, death threats aimed at Stephen Conroy - it all works.
  • Talk to a security guard, ask them if they know anywhere they think security could be improved.
  • In the middle of a busy area, drop a suitcase containing a ticking alarm clock, some Play-Doh and a bunch of wires.
  • Find a door (any door) marked "Staff Only" and attempt to barge it down. If it isn't locked, hold it shut while barging.
  • Hide one of those gun shaped water pistols in your pocket. Walk up to security guard, shoot them with it, then run like hell... until the next security guard.

7. When You're Miles In The Air
If you haven't been arrested by this point, there's a good chance you never will. However, all hope is not lost. If you play your cards right, you can still get a one way trip to jail when you land.

First, during the ascent, forget what the signs say. Use every piece of electronics ever known to man. I'm talking grilling yourself a steak while watching TV while playing a DS while drying your hair. Don't forget the three dozen different models of mobile phones. When someone asks you to turn them off, say that you're a robot and you need them to recharge your battery.

If by some miracle the plane is still in midair and you, some handcuffs and a seat aren't getting well acquainted, then it's time to take the plan into overdrive. If there are any security guards, give them a fast acting laxative, then when they are forced to do their "business", lock the toilet door from the outside. They wouldn't be able to stop you now, but they would get in the way.

With the guard out of the way you can get to the real work. Open every overhead locker and throw everyone's bags into the aisle, claim you're looking for yours. Suddenly "remember" where you left it as soon as you get to the last one. If anyone goes near the toilet to check on your friend (he should be banging on the door by now), make them have an unfortunate "accident". What kind? I can't do all your work for you, can I? Be creative!

Fine. Spill a bunch of water on the floor, make them slip over. Hardly creative, but it's effective. Besides, the noise of the fall should be enough to distract everyone from your friend still in the toilet, and the concussion should make whoever was unfortunate enough to try to help forget about it too.

When they're serving in-flight food, grab as much as possible and scarf it down as quickly as possible, like you haven't eaten in weeks (despite getting more than enough of everyone else's food in the terminal. When they ask for money, say your wallet is in your other pants (which you forgot to pack).

If there's an in flight movie, then be sure to yell as loudly as possible the ending, as well as any significant plot twists. Also, yell a description of every single thing that happens in it, so loudly that nobody can hear what's actually happening. If it's a movie that you haven't seen before, then listen to an MP3 player with the headphones as loud as possible, and sing even louder (bonus points for terrible 80s music). Depending on the movie, that might be enough. But if there's a lot of action, and people don't need to hear it to have fun, do whatever you can to get in the way of the screen. Sprint back and forth up the aisle, saying it's just as good as a gym. Get right in front of the screen, open the overhead locker, and rummage around. Sit down and do friggin yoga for all I care. Just make sure people don't get to see the screen.

You may think you've done as much as you can, but trust me, there's more. I'll just cut to chase: with enough oil, sliding down the aisle is fun fun fun. Or with a lead pipe in one hand, forcibly grab the nearest flight attendant with the other and ask where the cockpit is. Don't wait for an answer, just sprint down to the front of the plane. If the door's locked, your friend in the toilet would have a key, and has probably given up by now. Go get the key. However you do it, forcibly shut the cockpit door behind you still holding the pipe, and with an evil expression on your face.

No, I won't recommend bashing the pilot with the pipe. You want to get arrested, not die. Just hit whatever sounds most like flesh with the pipe every 10 seconds or so, loud enough for anyone outside the door to hear. Have a nice conversation with the pilots. Discuss foreign trade policy or something. Just make sure to rough them up a little before you leave, looking like they gave up without a fight might be bad for their career.

8. Back On The Ground, A Free Man
Now is the time you either get arrested or go home in shame. I won't lie, there's not much you can do from this point, but you can always try.

First step: make sure you're first in the queue to get off the plane. When the door opens, refuse to move, and say that evil spirits are giving the airport bad karma. By now, nobody will argue with you, they'll just quietly shuffle their way to another exit. When everybody has done that, then you get off the plane. Just open the toilet door - you wouldn't want your friend forgotten in there.

Unfortunately there isn't much to do between getting off the plane and getting your bag. Regardless, run to the baggage claim as fast as possible, only stopping every five metres or so to mime hitting a solid wall. Wherever possible, make that wall a person.

If there's one of those fancy double door things leading to the baggage claim, go through the first door, but then turn around, start crying, and in hysterics start ramming the door you just came through, yelling about how you won't survive in prison. Do this until your plane's baggage starts coming through, you don't want to miss it.

Make sure you're near where the bags come out. You want to get to them first. For each one that comes, grab it, open it, rummage around for anything valuable (you've made it this far, you might as well make a profit) and when you've got all of that, close it again and throw it out the nearest window. If the bag is locked or otherwise sealed, just slice it open using a bowie knife (you DID bring one, didn't you?) then proceed as before.

Even if it comes out first, take your bag last. Casually walk out the door. You're free! You failed at your goal of getting arrested, but hopefully you've learned some important lessons so you'll do better at that next time.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Slashee Top Ten: Reasons Not To Buy A PS3

#10: You need to have another house built if you want to keep it inside.
(You could always get a circus tent instead.)

#9: If you want to move it, you need to hire Chuck Norris.
(Or if you have a slim model, just a building-sized crane.)

#8: Disc drive loud enough to drown out jumbo jet.
(Yet somehow slower than walking back and forth with each individual bit of data.)

#7: While games are going through their mandatory installation, you have time to make coffee... for the whole neighbourhood.
(And by "coffee" I mean "coffee", those of you with filthy minds.)

#6: Sony cheats you out of features you already paid for whenever they feel like it.
(So why don't they add something like... good games... instead of doing nothing but remove features?)

#5: Processors will eventually link together to form Skynet.
(On the bright side, how many people now can claim their consoles are responsible for a couple of good movies and a couple of crappy ones?)

#4: Most expensive piece of home theater equipment ever.
(Because with the number of games worth playing, fate relegates it to being a Blu-ray player.)

#3: Weight makes it unsuitable as a blunt weapon, except for olympic weightlifters.
(For when boredom sends you into a murderous rage, you'll want something convenient.)

#2: Now worth less per kilogram than dirt.
(Which still makes them worth about $20).

#1: It works.
(Because a console just isn't a console without a RRoD or two.)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Last Angry Shaman Presents: Overanalysis of the Cataclysm Shaman preview

Without further ado, let us mull over how Shaman will most likely be screwed over royally in another expansion. My comments are in italics, in case your non-cow brains have trouble with the concept.

New Shaman Spells

Primal Strike (available at level 3): Primal Strike is a new weapon-based attack that every shaman will learn very early in the game. Our goal with this ability is to make leveling as Enhancement rather than as Elemental more viable, since many key Enhancement talents become available at fairly high levels.
Meh? It gets replaced by Stormstrike if you level as Enhancement, and Ele and Resto aren't going to use it. I already have an 80 shammy - can't you just make SS a base skill and give us a cool new one to replace it?

Healing Wave (level 4): While the shaman already has an ability called Healing Wave, we're adding another spell to the class's direct-healing arsenal and giving it a familiar name. The current Healing Wave will be renamed Greater Healing Wave, and the intent is for the 'new" Healing Wave to be the shaman's go-to heal. Lesser Healing Wave and Greater Healing Wave will be used on a more situational basis.
Situational basis? I'm a fan of nuke heals - so I should be off to level a Pally in that case. Even without the nukes, I still use Earth Shield, Riptide and Chain Heal for most of my healing.

Unleash Weapon (level 81): Unleashes the power of your weapon enchants for additional effects (see below). A dual-wielding Enhancement shaman will activate the effects of both of their weapon enchants. Instant cast. 30-yard range. 15-second cooldown. Undispellable.
An extra button we have to push every 15 seconds? I'd rather my existing buttons were made better - maybe I'm just a fan of simple (read: easy) rotations.

Here are a few examples of effects we're considering for this ability:

      - Windfury Weapon – Hurls a spectral version of your weapon at a target, dealing 50% weapon damage and increasing the shaman's Haste for the next five swings.
      Yay, an almost flat DPS buff for a little while, and a little bit of damage. Yay team Shaman.
      - Flametongue Weapon – Deals instant Fire damage and buffs the shaman's next Fire attack by 20%.
      FS dot + this + Lava Burst? Elemental's gonna have some fun. And then start begging for mercy as I slaughter them for being mutionous dogs.
      - Earthliving Weapon – Heals the target slightly and buffs the shaman's next healing spell by 20%.
      Yay, another heal. YAY! A bigger nuke heal!

Healing Rain (level 83): An area-effect heal-over-time (HoT) spell that calls down rain in a selected area, healing all players within it. There is no limit to the number of players who can potentially be affected; however, there are diminishing returns when healing a large number of targets, much like the diminishing returns associated with AoE damage spells. This should give Restoration shaman another healing tool that improves their group-healing and heal-over-time capabilities. 2-second cast time. 30-yard range. 10-second duration. 10-second cooldown.
10 second duration, 10 second cooldown? Might become a requirement to keep this permanently up in situations where there'd be a lot of AOE damage. Which, you know, is a bad thing. I don't want to heal exactly how people expect me to heal, I want to heal the way I think will be most effective.

Spiritwalker's Grace (level 85): When this self-targeted buff is active, your spells are no longer interrupted by movement and possibly even by your own attacks. This will give shaman of all three specs another way to heal or do damage when it’s necessary to move in both PvE and PvP. Instant cast. 10-second duration. 2-minute cooldown.
Useful for Ele and Resto in situations where you have to keep moving? Sure. For Enhance? I'm just gonna use it to pop off a few Lightning Bolts... again, I'd just prefer a straight increase to damage from what we have now.

Changes to Abilities and Mechanics

In addition to adding new spells, we're planning to make changes to some of the other abilities and mechanics you're familiar with. This list and the summary of talent changes below it are by no means comprehensive, but they should give you a good sense of what we intend for each spec.

  • Restoration shaman and other healing classes will need to pay attention to mana more than they've had to during Wrath of the Lich King. Spirit will be the Restoration shaman's primary mana-regeneration stat.
    Oh god I feel like a squishy already. Nooooooooooooo it's not my time yet. Must... continue... to... leech... off.... MP5... as... long.... as... possible. *Heavy breathing* What's wrong with MP5? Means no calculations to figure out how much MP5 I get from it.

  • We're making changes to which classes and specs are able to dispel magic, diseases, curses, and poison, largely for PvP purposes. Shaman will have Cleanse Spirit as a baseline ability, but it will only remove curses. Restoration shaman will have a talent that will improve Cleanse Spirit so that it also removes magic. Shaman will no longer be able to remove poison.
    So you're removing almost everything that makes me feel like a Shaman when it comes to dispelling, and making me feel like a mage? And then if I'm Resto, make me feel slightly like a priest? I'd prefer to be a SHAMAN when I'm playing a SHAMAN.

  • Cleansing Totem will be removed from the game, as we want dispels to be a decision for players, not something done mindlessly. To that end, all dispels will cost slightly more mana, and you will waste the spell if you cast it when there is nothing to remove. (Currently, the dispel is only cast when there is something to remove, which encourages spamming 'just in case.") We will balance PvE dispelling with this new model in mind.
    Okay, now that's everything that makes me feel like a Shaman.

  • Totem of Wrath now will replace Flametongue Totem for all shaman, and dropping this totem will buff the group's spell power by 4%. Elemental shaman will have a talent that lets all Fire totems provide +10% spell power, allowing them to drop Searing, Magma, or Fire Elemental Totems without losing their spell-damage buff. The 4% and 10% buffs will be exclusive with each other and with the warlock's Demonic Pact, so you can't benefit from all of them at once. We're also considering letting Elemental drop Searing Totem at range.
    This is really more of a buff to Ele, which might make it more fun, which might encourage people to play it, which can only be a bad thing. Why don't they just cut the crap and take Enhancement away altogether, creating one nature spell damage spec, and one fire spell damage spec? With how much Enhancement is casting these days, we're almost there.

  • We want to free up Enhancement global cooldowns to make the spec more dynamic to play. We're considering, for example, increasing the cooldown of Lava Lash so shaman have time to work other interesting abilities into their rotation.
    Hate to break it to you Blizz, but if you increase the cooldown, you increase the damage. As for freeing up global cooldowns, why not make us feel like a low level Ret Pally? Auto attack, auto attack, auto attack, judge, auto attack, auto attack, auto attack, judge...

New Talents and Talent Changes

  • Elemental Reach will be simplified so shaman have a more consistent spell range.
    What, like 30 yards? Makes sense to me, so obviously it's a bad idea.

  • We plan to add Earthquake as a deep Elemental talent for targeted and persistent AoE.
    Yes, because they need more AoE. Well, probably, but so does Enhancement - pushing Fire Nova every CD gets old fast - and uses craptons of mana. Give us something like Fan of OP.

  • Spirit Link will likely be worked back into deep Restoration in some form. The idea is that you will be able to link targets together so they share damage. When we had previously tried to implement Spirit Link, it was hard to balance and a little confusing. However, we really liked the concept -- and so did players -- so we are trying to bring it back.
    Hard to balance? Confusing? Just do like Soul Link, except... you know... not between a lock and a demon.

  • Elemental will have a deep talent that allows Spirit (which will appear on the gear they share with Restoration shaman) to boost their Hit rating.
    Ele and Resto Shaman sharing gear? CRAP! Now any Shammy with Resto as a spec will figure they have a good Ele set and start doing that. Again, as I said, leading to the downfall of Enhancement.

  • Ancestral Knowledge will boost mana pool size, not Intellect.
    Yeah, cause I really get AP from my mana pool. Thanks, Blizz. Really needed this.

  • Enhancing Totems will be replaced with Focused Strikes, which will improve the damage of the new spell Primal Strike and Stormstrike.
    Great, now no stupid Shammys telling DKs not to use Horn of Winter since their Strength of Earth is better. And, you know, extra damage never hurts.

  • With the Mastery system, we're also considering removing a number of talents that grant passive bonuses, such as Mental Quickness, Improved Windfury Totem, Mental Dexterity, Call of Thunder, Tidal Mastery, Purification, Nature's Blessing, and others, to allow players more freedom to choose more interesting talents.
    Please, remove at least one of those Enhancement talents to give us a spell which turns us into god for five seconds. That's all we need to change it to a permanent spell.

Mastery Passive Talent Tree Bonuses

Spell damage
Spell Crit
Elemental Overload

Melee damage
Melee Haste
Nature Damage

Deep Healing

Elemental Overload: Your direct-damage spells have a chance to proc a less powerful 'bonus" version of the spell. This will work much like the current Lightning Overload talent, but would also apply to Lava Burst.
Extra spells are cool. You know, all the "end of Enhancement" rhetoric.

Nature Damage: This will provide a passive bonus to the Nature damage dealt by the Enhancement shaman.
Yes, because as a melee damage spec, I really need more spell damage. You know, all the "end of Enhancement" rhetoric.

Deep Healing: Your direct heals will do more healing when the target's health is lower. This will scale to damage (e.g. someone at 29% health would receive more healing than someone at 30%) rather than have arbitrary break points.
I'd prefer to keep people at high health in the first place, you know - maybe you could help me with that.

So the news for Enhancement? It's bad. Wait, no news for Enhancement. The news for Ele? Who cares? The news for Resto? I'm sorry, they want you to pretend you're priests... almost, anyway.

The news for all Shaman? Blizzard doesn't understand you. Nobody loves you. You were adpoted. Your birth parents both committed suicide when they saw how ugly you were. That's about as nicely as I can say it without putting an age restriction on the site.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Slashdraw #1: Hehehe...

You should try my new CS map, de_wang. You have to defuse a bomb - in my pants!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Warning: TF2 Spoilers Ahead, Part One

(click for full size, non-crappy quality version)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Slashee Top Ten: Rejected Game Mechanics

#10: Halo 3
Mechanic: Difficulty higher than "pussywillow"
Reason: All the 10 year olds playing the game need to be able to teabag out in the open without fear of instadeath.

#9: Guitar Hero 5
Mechanic: Crowd surfing
Reason: During playtesting, the "average" American kept crushing the plastic crowd.

#8: BrĂ¼tal Legend
Mechanic: MORE METAL!!!!!!!!
Reason: Only Jack Black could handle more metal without his head exploding. And now we all know the inspiration for the song "Master Exploder".

#7: Resident Evil 5
Mechanic: Teammate AI
Reason: Chris couldn't stop staring at Sheva's rack for long enough to actually do something. And Sheva couldn't stop keeping the entire continent of Africa sexed up for long enough to kill anything.

#6: Metal Gear Solid 4
Mechanic: Gameplay
Reason: By the time Kojima Productions realised they weren't making a movie, it was too late.

#5: Bayonetta
Mechanic: Any semblance of a coherent plot
Reason: What's more important, plot or killing stuff? Thankfully someone at Platinum Games realised the correct answer.

#4: World of Warcraft
Mechanic: Something different after the first 15 levels
Reason: There are two kinds of people in the world: people who don't mind doing the same thing over and over for hours on end, and me. Which is the bigger audience (by number, not volume)?

#3: Grand Theft Auto IV
Mechanic: Planes
Reason: They would tip the scales in the helicopter deathmatch that EVERY multiplayer game becomes.

#2: Anything with "Wii" in the title
Mechanic: Coherent controls
Reason: Games which actually require skill? They sell. Games where the winner is often determined by whoever can give themselves Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the wrist the fastest? They sell LOTS.

#1: God of War 2
Mechanic: Kratos vs. Chuck Norris fight
Reason: The game would never end, so they couldn't milk more sequels out of the franchise.