the rantings and ravings of a not quite sane cow

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 2: Toy Cars

Too many toy cars to give each a thorough review, so a few sentences and score out of 10 will have to do.

Toy Hunter Cavalry
Toy Cavalry vs. Cavalry Bootlegger: The ultimate test of toys against the full size demons. Who wins? The bootlegger. But toy barrel rolls are still undeniably awesome. 7/10

Toy Hunter Manhattan
Cruising in toy style. Unfortunately it's not cruising particularly fast. Still, it's good for either that toy pimp or midget wannabe in your life. 5/10

Toy Krieger WTR
Hey, Formula 1. Yeah, you. You want to get people in to races? Start sending these around tracks and watch the money come. 8/10

Toy Jansen P12
I'm sure everyone would rather have a Toy 88 Special, but you can't have everything. It's still damn good for stunts. Doesn't look as appropriate as the Toy Cavalry, but it's better. Style or substance? It's your choice. 9/10

Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
The very definition of awesome: get a full size Takedown to jump over a few of these.
The very definition of ultra-awesome: get one of these to jump over a few full size Takedowns.
Also useful for forcefully clearing blocked streets. 8/10

Toy Carson GT Concept
It's toy muscle. Theoretically, it should therefore be about 1/8th the size of real muscle, come with indecipherable instructions, break after about 15 minutes, and not come with batteries.
Despite this it still manages to be a pretty good way to humiliate your opponents (especially a Toy WTR if you can pull that off). 7/10

Toy Hunter Citizen
When you first hear the name, you think it'd be useless because those toy handcuffs always have an easy release on them. But trust me, if there's enough left of the crooks after you're done with this, they're doing pretty well for themselves. 8/10

Toy Carson Inferno Van
If the toy van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin. Oh wait... they never make dolls accurate where people want them to be (be honest, you've looked).
Perhaps it's more useful as a brick wall on wheels... yeah, that'll do. Just remember that brick powered engines aren't particularly fast. 9/10

Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Such a shame, if only bikes weren't practically useless in-game. It'd be good for getting through tollbooths, because you'd fit under the gate and you'd be screaming through there so fast they couldn't get your number plate. Wait, Paradise city doesn't have those either? Well what is this good for? Wait, I know... hazing the new guy! *Gets a bunch of friends on Toy Firehawks, then boxes in someone on a regular Firehawk*... sweet. 8/10

Best in set for:
Riding a bike: Toy Jansen P12... most of the time you'll be on two or no wheels.
Having a turning circle larger than a toy city block: Toy Hunter Manhattan
Seeing possibly the first midget in a Burnout game: Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Seeing the second midget: Toy Krieger WTR
Vertical takedowns of pure ownage: Toy Hunter Cavalry
Being corrupt and putting toy good guys behind bars: Toy Hunter Citizen
Fitting an entire toy country in the passenger seat, and a full size island in the back: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Causing suicide resulting from embarassment at losing: Toy Carson GT Concept
Constructing mobile indestructible buildings: Toy Carson Inferno Van

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4

Disclaimer: Cuteness of toy cars had no effect on ratings, and will continue to have no effect until someone finds Slashee cute.

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