the rantings and ravings of a not quite sane cow

Friday, November 27, 2009

Review: Band Hero

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 15/11/09

Yes, this is late. Yes, last week's didn't appear. Sue me. L4D2 doesn't play itself, folks.
(This week featuring: duplicate items).

#1 ( ! ) Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Ripoff price. No dedicated servers. No mods. Am I the only one who can say "pile of stinking Slashee$#%& ?

#2 ( = ) Left 4 Dead 2
No, you really should have this by now. WHY ARE YOU STILL BUYING IT?!?!?!?!?

#2 ( ! ) Dragon Age: Origins
The amount of detail in this that 99% of people don't care about almost makes my unhealthy obsessions seem slightly less unhealthy.

#3 ( /\ ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
The amount of fail in paying $15 extra for a couple of fake items almost makes it seem like I succeed in something occasionally.

#4 ( ! ) Overlord Complete Pack
You can kill baby seals. What am I complaining about?

#4 ( \/ ) Borderlands
The only game where I've seen numbers appear above people's heads faaster than a dual wielding Stormstrike Windfury in WoW.

#5 ( \/ ) Torchlight
This is basically Diablo. Why don't you just play Diablo?

#6 ( ! ) Crysis Maximum Edition
The only thing requiring more of a supercomputer than Crysis? Two Crysis games.

#7 ( \/ ) Football Manager 2010
I'm surprised the NEEEEEEEEERDS that play this were able to stop playing it for long enough to notice there's a new version with probably no changes.

#8 ( ! ) Mass Effect
The best KOTOR game I've played since the original. What? This isn't a sequel to KOTOR? Could have fooled me.

#9 ( ! ) Counter-Strike: Source
Not okay: killing zombies in armour in L4D2 (apparently).
Okay: killing human cops in armour in CS:S.
WHAT THE $%#@?

#10 ( = ) Aion Standard Edition
Come on, people, the main "feature" is just a gimmick. WoW's main feature that will outlast any gimmick? Cows with two giant axes.

#10 ( ! ) Left 4 Dead + Left 4 Dead 2 Bundle
Apparently if you already own L4D you can gift it to a friend. So while you play the more awesome (with the exception of Coach not being able to replace Louis as a pill finding machine) sequel, your friend is forever stuck in the original. Nice way to encourage group play there, Valve.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 1/11/09

Yes, it's late. Sue me. Turned out alright though, because for some reason Valve released a second set of top sellers two days after the last one, so I'm using that one (duplicates, missing items and all).

Also worth noting: all of this week's comments will be supplied in limerick form.

#1 ( = ) Borderlands
There once was a border in the lands,
Where warriors would make their stands,
They were shot in the head,
And then they were dead,
I'm the best sniper in all the lands!

#2 ( \/ ) Left 4 Dead 2
There was a zombie apocalypse,
Some of them had quite massive hips.
Those boomers just ate,
Ellis off a plate,
All in one of Louis's drug trips.

#3 ( ! ) Torchlight
There's a light from this torch so bright,
It lights all corners of the night,
What is this game about?
That I need to find out,
Before judging it at first sight.

#4 ( \/ ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
Dragons must be so full of hate,
Surely their age must be very great!
I sit to theorise,
Will people realise?
This game is the same as Baldur's Gate!

#5 ( ! ) Football Manager 2010
The sport's alright, I shouldn't knock her,
So much fun, the riots that occur.
Balls have so much heft.
There's only one fact left,
Football is actually called soccer.

#6 ( /\ ) Killing Floor
The floor has so very much killing,
No wonder it receives top billing.
When it comes to death,
This game is hardly bereft.
So much that the blood just keeps spilling.

#8 ( ! ) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
This game has many different guns,
Weigh them all, and it must be tons.
Pull a gun, take a stance,
See them all crap their pants,
And suddenly they all have the runs.

#9 ( ! ) The Witcher: Enhanced Edition Director's Cut
Surely with a game title so long,
The game it describes must be strong.
I was so deceived,
I had really believed.
Why must cows always be so wrong?

#10 ( ! ) Team Fortress 2
The scout double jumped towards the point,
The pyro he seeked to disappoint,
The spy was not deferred,
Then a whirring was heard,
From then it was the heavy's point.

#10 ( \/ ) Aion Standard Edition
For a game with the power of flight,
Surely something is lost from the fight.
Players of this must bow,
Before players of WoW.
Lest they all be slaughtered on sight.

#10 ( ! ) S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl
Surely one must wonder about how,
Would survive a radioactive cow?
Something about the milk,
Makes it shiny as silk,
And deadly to humans as a plow.

Note to Valve: fix up your RSS feed, damnit!