Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 3: Boost Specials

There's only two of these cars, so they get a bit of special treatment.

Carson Extreme Hot Rod
If there's one thing to be said about this car, it's this: you WILL crash. That or you're going to have to slow down enough so that you lost all the speed you gained. For those of you not in the know, this car has unlimited boost. Just press the button and boost away. The catch? There are only two ways to stop boosting: crash or slow down until you're barely moving. If you're really careful, it's almost possible to keep some semblance of control... but not really. While it's not recommended if you're making a multitude of turns, it can't be beat for leaving someone choking on your dust on the I-88, through the mountains, or anywhere with few objects and a decent road:traffic ratio. And if you see that smartarse in the Nighthawk who never seems to run out of boost, you're more than capable of shoving him (or about anything short of a Takedown) into the next state. Just learn from my mistakes and don't t-bone anyone at inordinate speeds. Satisfying, yes, but respawning will lose you valuable seconds you could use taking other people down. And you know better than that, don't you?

Oh, one final warning: don't activate the boost just before a corner. If only I'd heed my own warnings.

Performance: 9/10. It's not exactly the fastest accelerating car in the world, since it's kind of heavy. Boosting removes that problem though.
Handling: 6/10. It'll get you around corners and into other cars with relative ease... not much else though.
Boosting: 11/10. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!
Crashing: 8/10. It'll usually be on the winning end of crashes. Which is good, because you'll be doing it a lot, whether you want to or not.
Useful for:

• Destroying Paradise City, one wall at a time. It doesn't really matter whether there are people driving these walls or whether these walls are in fact "cars", because you'll be destroying them anyway.
• Bringing the world's rubber supply to its knees. Why do burnouts for fun when you can ruin your tyres AND the atmosphere at the same time?
• Demonstrating new heights of overkill... that I've probably broken already.

Overall: 9/10. Massive speed cancels out crashing more often than Windows ME, giving you one nice happy smashy speedy death/speed wagon.

Hawker Mech
This is actually a hard car to review positively. Again for the unwashed masses, this can switch between stunt, speed and aggression boost modes whenever you want. The problem is that it's about as agile as a cow riding a bike, about as fast as... a cow riding a bike, and nowhere near as strong as...... a Takedown 4x4 (or a cow riding a bike). That's the problem with branching out: you're never as good at any one thing (except for the cow riding a bike... once it gets back to the paddock, it'll be milked dry then taken to slaughter, you heartless bastards). The Mech's good enough for stunt events (let's face it though, I've beaten a stunt event in a toy Citizen), not really fast enough to beat a lot of race cars (or the Extreme Hot Rod), and nowhere near strong enough to win most of the road rages. So what is it good for? Not bad at marked man, since you frequently have to switch between defense, speed, and trying to make jumps you don't think your pursuers can. It's also not a bad choice for a freeburn online, as you'll be able to at least come close to doing most of the challenges.

Oh, and it has a rather nice light/paint scheme. But that doesn't really make it any more useful.

Performance: 7/10. No slouch. But not a real winner either. You make sure to tell that to the guys whizzing past you.
Handling: 9/10. It'd have to be for the stunt boost to be any good... and it still isn't. But it tries, damnit!
Boosting: 7/10. It's a 10/10 on the cool factor. But since when did I care about the cool factor?
Crashing: 6/10. There's a lot it can't stand up to. Make sure to pick on those weaker than you, in case you weren't already.
Useful for:

• Looking cool. No, really, it does. Well, mostly. Okay, maybe a little. Possibly a smidge on the fat side though.
• Changing styles in the middle of a race. All the superheroes do it. Well, maybe just the supervillians. I haven't been to a meeting with those guys in a while so I'm not so sure.

Overall: 6/10. All the cool looks and good ideas in the world wouldn't change the fact that this isn't good enough at any particular thing to beat cars designed for it... or a cow on a bike.

Best in set for:
Burning petrol faster than it's capable of being produced: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Jumping, changing boost types midair, then wondering why just changed boost types midair: Hawker Mech
Lighting up a small neighbourhood: Hawker Mech
Involuntary destruction: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Lifting the front end of your car in the air, then crushing a small car under it: Carson Extreme Hot Rod
Staying Alive (cue music): Hawker Mech

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Carson Extreme Hot Rod. If you can't afford that, then buy the GT Nighthawk and the Manhattan Spirit, put them together and it's basically the same thing. If you still can't afford them, there's only one real option for you... a cow on a bike.

Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 2: Toy Cars

Too many toy cars to give each a thorough review, so a few sentences and score out of 10 will have to do.

Toy Hunter Cavalry
Toy Cavalry vs. Cavalry Bootlegger: The ultimate test of toys against the full size demons. Who wins? The bootlegger. But toy barrel rolls are still undeniably awesome. 7/10

Toy Hunter Manhattan
Cruising in toy style. Unfortunately it's not cruising particularly fast. Still, it's good for either that toy pimp or midget wannabe in your life. 5/10

Toy Krieger WTR
Hey, Formula 1. Yeah, you. You want to get people in to races? Start sending these around tracks and watch the money come. 8/10

Toy Jansen P12
I'm sure everyone would rather have a Toy 88 Special, but you can't have everything. It's still damn good for stunts. Doesn't look as appropriate as the Toy Cavalry, but it's better. Style or substance? It's your choice. 9/10

Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
The very definition of awesome: get a full size Takedown to jump over a few of these.
The very definition of ultra-awesome: get one of these to jump over a few full size Takedowns.
Also useful for forcefully clearing blocked streets. 8/10

Toy Carson GT Concept
It's toy muscle. Theoretically, it should therefore be about 1/8th the size of real muscle, come with indecipherable instructions, break after about 15 minutes, and not come with batteries.
Despite this it still manages to be a pretty good way to humiliate your opponents (especially a Toy WTR if you can pull that off). 7/10

Toy Hunter Citizen
When you first hear the name, you think it'd be useless because those toy handcuffs always have an easy release on them. But trust me, if there's enough left of the crooks after you're done with this, they're doing pretty well for themselves. 8/10

Toy Carson Inferno Van
If the toy van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin. Oh wait... they never make dolls accurate where people want them to be (be honest, you've looked).
Perhaps it's more useful as a brick wall on wheels... yeah, that'll do. Just remember that brick powered engines aren't particularly fast. 9/10

Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Such a shame, if only bikes weren't practically useless in-game. It'd be good for getting through tollbooths, because you'd fit under the gate and you'd be screaming through there so fast they couldn't get your number plate. Wait, Paradise city doesn't have those either? Well what is this good for? Wait, I know... hazing the new guy! *Gets a bunch of friends on Toy Firehawks, then boxes in someone on a regular Firehawk*... sweet. 8/10

Best in set for:
Riding a bike: Toy Jansen P12... most of the time you'll be on two or no wheels.
Having a turning circle larger than a toy city block: Toy Hunter Manhattan
Seeing possibly the first midget in a Burnout game: Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Seeing the second midget: Toy Krieger WTR
Vertical takedowns of pure ownage: Toy Hunter Cavalry
Being corrupt and putting toy good guys behind bars: Toy Hunter Citizen
Fitting an entire toy country in the passenger seat, and a full size island in the back: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Causing suicide resulting from embarassment at losing: Toy Carson GT Concept
Constructing mobile indestructible buildings: Toy Carson Inferno Van

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4

Disclaimer: Cuteness of toy cars had no effect on ratings, and will continue to have no effect until someone finds Slashee cute.

Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 1: Legendary Cars

Being a chump, I've bought all the downloadable vehicles for Burnout Paradise (as for why the party pack isn't the first DLC review... I didn't buy it, as I have nobody to party with). I'll be reviewing them in 3 parts, then posting a summary. Up first, the legendary cars:

Jansen 88 Special (you might know it as: DeLorean from Back To The Future)
Undeniably the coolest car of the pack (the Nighthawk gives it a run for its money but ultimately loses), it can switch between road mode (i.e. normal) and hover (lights on back go on, wheels fold somewhat into the car, whole thing stays about a foot or two off the road). Unfortunately, it can't fly, although making it hover does seem to affect the handling a bit (it seems to turn a lot more sharply using the handbrake when hovering).
Oh, and did I mention that there's a flame trail when you boost?
Performance: 7/10. It's no slouch, but there's plenty faster.
Handling: 9/10. It can pull off some pretty tight turns, but not much more than a regular Jansen P12 can do.
Boosting: 5/10. Standard stunt boost, hovering doesn't change anything.
Crashing: 3/10. It's weak... not really weak, but it doesn't take much at all to take it down.
Useful for: Showing off, making power parking harder while hovering (you heard me!).
Overall: 6/10. It's a decent performer in a stunt run, and it looks awesome, but it's not all that useful.

GT Nighthawk (you might know it as: KITT from Knight Rider)
If you just want to know one thing about this car... it's FAST! It looks fairly nondescript driving around normally (as nondescript as a sleek black car that looks like little else in the game can be), but it brings the goods when you start boosting. A rear wing pops up, and arrays of lights on the front and back start pulsating back and forth... you won't have that much time to look at the thing though because you'll be DODGING TONS OF &*$# COMING TOWARDS YOU. This thing is FAST while boosting, and generally the only things that slowed me down were traffic or walls (crashing hurts, and you really start to hate the slow-mo crash screen).
Performance: 10/10. It'd be either among or the fastest car in the game, and while it's a bit slower when not boosting it's still fairly fast.
Handling: 9/10. It's great at drifting when you're going flat out, and when you're not (how dare you?), it's completely more than adequate.
Boosting: 9/10. I'm knocking a point off because of how easy it is (for me) to run into anything in sight (and almost everything that isn't), that and it's a speed boost, and I hate earning enough to actually use it. Despite that... good luck catching up to this thing on an open road with a good driver.
Crashing: 3/10. About as good as the 88. Made worse by the fact that you'll be doing it a lot more.
Useful for: Outrunning and infuriating pursuers, looking like a secret agent, becoming well acquainted with the "wrecked" screen, and outrunning bullets.
Overall: 9/10. If you can control it, it's a potent weapon.

Manhattan Spirit (you might know it as: ECTO-1 (the car) from Ghostbusters)
It's large. It's not all that fast. It has sirens and lights.
The people you run into won't care about that, they'll be too busy cursing you and your descendants. Perhaps not in the car crushing ranks of the Inferno van or the Takedown 4x4 (then again, perhaps it is), the lights and sirens are a great way to let your adversaries know that death is imminent and resistance is futile.
I am sad to report that there are no streams to cross, however.
Performance: 5/10. It's not the fastest, but it doesn't need to be... just don't use it in a race.
Handling: 3/10. That tight corner? Forget about it. That average corner? Uh-uh. That gentle bend? Maybe... if you have enough speed you might be able to drift around it.
Boosting: 6/10. Standard aggression boost. Upgrades the car from "death on wheels" to "death and grave pisser-on-er on wheels". The boost may be standard aggression, the results surely are not.
Crashing: 9/10. Goes through most cars like a hot knife through butter. A couple of others have a chance, but only because they must be decommissioned tanks.
Useful for: Clearing paths through cars, light buildings, livestock and Greenpeace. And inspiring a permanent fear of sirens.
Overall: 9/10. If it's not the best car for road rages and such, it's among the top... but it's probably the most fun.

Cavalry Bootlegger (you might know it as: The General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard)
First, let me get this out of the way... a Mexican flag? That's just not traditional (however it is most likely within copyright law). Also a problem is that it's available in colours other than orange, and the doors' condition is yet to be determined. Other than that, it's not the fastest car, it's not the best handling (not exactly shabby in either category though). Trust me, the only reason you'd want this car is for the horn. And trust me, you DO want it. It's also among the best cars for stunt runs that I've tried, and damn it, it's traditional for stunt runs. If you own this car and aren't using it for stunt runs, what the hell is wrong with you?
Performance: 7/10. Not the fastest car in Paradise city, but there are many worse. It's good enough for most things (except maybe racing against faster cars).
Handling: 8/10. Good stunts need good control, and this'll get you lined up well enough. Threading massive car-sized needles might be out of the question, but the needles might make good weapons.
Boosting: Standard stunt boost. Doesn't give you a great deal more speed, but you'll have no problem filling it up. Depending on what you're doing, draining it might be the hard part.
Crashing: 7/10. It's The General Lee, or as close as is allowed by copyright. It's no Manhattan Spirit, but it can certainly hold its own.
Useful for: Pretending you're on an old TV show, giving you an excuse to do old-guy narration when going over jumps, sending people to mental institutions by pulling up beside then and continunally blowing your horn.
Overall: 8/10. It's fun for stunts, and more fun* freeburning online. Just get in that old Duke mentality: there's always some predictable but awesome stunt you can do to win the race.
*Only for you.

Best in set for:
Looking awesome: Jansen 88 Special
Kicking ass (speed): GT Nighthawk
Kicking ass (literally): Manhattan Spirit
Pulling off insane stunts: Cavalry Bootlegger
Infuriating people: Cavalry Bootlegger
Driving while listening to Ride of the Valkyries: Manhattan Spirit
Throwing your controller across the room: GT Nighthawk
That futuristic roleplaying fantasy you've always wanted to do: Jansen 88 Special.

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Cavalry Bootlegger. But since when does what I say matter? You're going to buy the 88 Special, that's a fact.