the rantings and ravings of a not quite sane cow

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Slashee's Guides To Life: How To Get Yourself Arrested At An Airport

Some people don't have easy access to enough guns to put the lobby scene in The Matrix to shame, so they can't easily set off the metal detectors. Regardless, if you want to get arrested, it's not too hard.

1. Dress Appropriately
The obvious solution here is not dress, but undress. While stripping naked and running as far as possible might seem like a good idea, they'll probably just consider you a harmless hooligan and let you go in short enough order (probably far from the airport, thus delaying any future attempts). Try to find clothes with as many pockets as possible, then fill them all with weirdly-shaped objects guaranteed to leave obvious bulges. Objects that beep every 10 seconds, have flashing lights or aerials sticking out of the pockets are a bonus. Wear nothing but winter clothes, especially in the middle of summer - there's more room to hide things and it just adds to the vibe you want.

2. Baggage
If you're actually going to catch a flight, or you don't mind carrying something around for while, bring a bag or two. Make sure the outside is soft, this ensures that the shape of what's inside can be easily seen. So what do you pack? Something that moves or vibrates at certain intervals is a good start - just make sure it's packed against the edge of the bag so people can see the outline of it moving. Find a bunch of small, hard objects (Lego bricks are a good choice), put them in a plastic bag and tie the top, but make sure they're loose. That gives you a nice sound whenever you shake the bag. If you have anything that beeps left after stuffing your pockets, throw that in there.

Make sure your bag is closed securely (and locked with about a dozen padlocks, make it seem like you REALLY don't want people getting in there) - you don't want anyone noticing that you don't actually have anything actually dangerous.

If you're bringing a bag to take on the plane with you, make sure to pack lots of water - you don't want to get thirsty - and leave a room at the top of the bottles (so you don't spill any when you open it). Just in case you get more thirsty than you anticipated, also tie some bottles to the outside. But who wants plain water? Find something nice and colourful to enhance the flavour. Or make it thicker. Just make sure to change it up a bit - you might get sick of it if you only have one flavour.

Some might recommend lining the sides of the bag with glass objects and "accidentally" bumping people - it's great for messing with individual people but it's not going to get you arrested.

3. Arrive In Style
Ordinary people drive cars. You're better than that. The following methods of transport are acceptable:
  • Hire a trained elephant and ride it to the front door.
  • Have dogs pull you in a sledge.
  • Get a bunch of helium balloons and tie them to a chair.
  • Find a colony of rats, ride a rug on top of them, and guide them with a piece of cheese attached to a fishing rod.
  • Skydive out of a plane.
  • Rolling in a giant hamster ball.
The important thing is that you go in through the front door - you want to deal with security.

4. Checking In
You can probably ignore this section if you live close enough to an airport to go there just for fun. Or read it. What do I care? Some of us only go on business. It's important that while checking in, you seem a little "off-balance", but don't go extreme, or they'll call security before you can have any fun. First, go to the check in desk for your airline last. It simply wouldn't be fair to everyone else if they were the only ones to enjoy your company.

When checking in, don't bring any tickets - you want them to look you up in their computer. If you can see it, subtly remove its network connection, since you want to make sure their technical support earns their keep. When asked for your name, ramble incoherently, then vehemently argue that IS your name; they'll probably ask for ID so they can spell it. Give them your Federal Breast Inspector badge, then run off giggling like a schoolgirl. If you're sure you want to at least attempt to get on a plane, put on a disguise and use a foreign accent, even if you're terrible at doing accents, then get your ticket.

5. Getting Through Security
Assuming you haven't been taken to either jail or the nuthouse yet, it's time to get through security. With a little work you can pull this off, but if you don't, you'll be lucky to make it out alive. Everything you put in your pockets is going to set off the metal detectors, so when they try to put you through it, claim your religion forbids it. Offer to go through the X-ray machine instead, and get belligerent when told you can't.

Eventually, they're going to want to search you more thoroughly. This, unfortunately for your dignity, will probably be a strip search. Agree, but don't make it easy for them. Make sure you get the following:
  1. Claim a psychological condition means the only people who you can cope with seeing you naked is an Olympic women's beach volleyball team. Then go into a corner, curl up into a ball and start crying.
  2. While the volleyball team is performing the search, fart as loudly as possible as often as possible. If possible, you want them to leave the room, so they're unable to finish the search.
  3. If that doesn't work, sing opera as loudly as possible as badly as possible. If you don't know any opera, just make stuff up that sounds Italian - nobody will know the difference.
  4. You may feel that you should skip to this step, but it's important not to. Make out with all the volleyballers in turn. If it doesn't make them go away (and you're allowed to hope it doesn't), then do it until they finish.
Now after the search is finished (they shouldn't find anything, everything is in your clothes and baggage) they'll let you through. If they try to take anything from your clothes or baggage, claim that you need it for medical reasons. If they wish to contact a doctor, make sure that they don't use their own (say they're "not acquainted with your condition"), and that you need to bring in your own doctor. Give them the phone number for a doctor which is on holiday, out golfing, or your safest bet, dead. Hopefully being unable to bring in your doctor, they'll let you go. If not, grow until you become The Incredible Hulk break through the nearest window and run into the terminal.

6. So You're In The Terminal
So you got in. What now? The airport is now your playground. Here are some recommended activities:
  • Find an open microphone and announce "the next 5 people to gate 10 will receive a free all expenses paid trip to Fiji".
  • Go to the food court and grab a bit of food from everyone. If they ask, say you're "sampling all the cultures of the world".
  • Go up to each gate and ask someone working there when the plane will leave. When you've been to all of them, go back to the first one and repeat.
  • If there's lots of people waiting for a flight, when the plane arrives get to the front of the queue to board and then stand there, refusing to move because it's your "sacred land" and that it "desecrates the land for anyone else to enter".
  • Go into a store and pretend to work there, making sure to answer every question in a way which ensures they'll never go back there again.
  • If you see anyone drinking Diet Coke, drop a Mentos in it.
Now, while these are all fun, and by all means you should go ahead and do them, the chances of getting arrested for doing them aren't great. So when you've finished with the fun activities, here's what you should do to accomplish your mission:
  • Stand near security guards with one of those dish microphone things, pointed in their direction, and writing things down on a pad.
  • With a clear bag filled with white powder (and if possible, for extra effect wear a gas mask), find people eating and sprinkle some on their food.
  • Attach things to walls and chairs wherever possible. It doesn't matter what it is - old gum, balls of sticky tape, death threats aimed at Stephen Conroy - it all works.
  • Talk to a security guard, ask them if they know anywhere they think security could be improved.
  • In the middle of a busy area, drop a suitcase containing a ticking alarm clock, some Play-Doh and a bunch of wires.
  • Find a door (any door) marked "Staff Only" and attempt to barge it down. If it isn't locked, hold it shut while barging.
  • Hide one of those gun shaped water pistols in your pocket. Walk up to security guard, shoot them with it, then run like hell... until the next security guard.

7. When You're Miles In The Air
If you haven't been arrested by this point, there's a good chance you never will. However, all hope is not lost. If you play your cards right, you can still get a one way trip to jail when you land.

First, during the ascent, forget what the signs say. Use every piece of electronics ever known to man. I'm talking grilling yourself a steak while watching TV while playing a DS while drying your hair. Don't forget the three dozen different models of mobile phones. When someone asks you to turn them off, say that you're a robot and you need them to recharge your battery.

If by some miracle the plane is still in midair and you, some handcuffs and a seat aren't getting well acquainted, then it's time to take the plan into overdrive. If there are any security guards, give them a fast acting laxative, then when they are forced to do their "business", lock the toilet door from the outside. They wouldn't be able to stop you now, but they would get in the way.

With the guard out of the way you can get to the real work. Open every overhead locker and throw everyone's bags into the aisle, claim you're looking for yours. Suddenly "remember" where you left it as soon as you get to the last one. If anyone goes near the toilet to check on your friend (he should be banging on the door by now), make them have an unfortunate "accident". What kind? I can't do all your work for you, can I? Be creative!

Fine. Spill a bunch of water on the floor, make them slip over. Hardly creative, but it's effective. Besides, the noise of the fall should be enough to distract everyone from your friend still in the toilet, and the concussion should make whoever was unfortunate enough to try to help forget about it too.

When they're serving in-flight food, grab as much as possible and scarf it down as quickly as possible, like you haven't eaten in weeks (despite getting more than enough of everyone else's food in the terminal. When they ask for money, say your wallet is in your other pants (which you forgot to pack).

If there's an in flight movie, then be sure to yell as loudly as possible the ending, as well as any significant plot twists. Also, yell a description of every single thing that happens in it, so loudly that nobody can hear what's actually happening. If it's a movie that you haven't seen before, then listen to an MP3 player with the headphones as loud as possible, and sing even louder (bonus points for terrible 80s music). Depending on the movie, that might be enough. But if there's a lot of action, and people don't need to hear it to have fun, do whatever you can to get in the way of the screen. Sprint back and forth up the aisle, saying it's just as good as a gym. Get right in front of the screen, open the overhead locker, and rummage around. Sit down and do friggin yoga for all I care. Just make sure people don't get to see the screen.

You may think you've done as much as you can, but trust me, there's more. I'll just cut to chase: with enough oil, sliding down the aisle is fun fun fun. Or with a lead pipe in one hand, forcibly grab the nearest flight attendant with the other and ask where the cockpit is. Don't wait for an answer, just sprint down to the front of the plane. If the door's locked, your friend in the toilet would have a key, and has probably given up by now. Go get the key. However you do it, forcibly shut the cockpit door behind you still holding the pipe, and with an evil expression on your face.

No, I won't recommend bashing the pilot with the pipe. You want to get arrested, not die. Just hit whatever sounds most like flesh with the pipe every 10 seconds or so, loud enough for anyone outside the door to hear. Have a nice conversation with the pilots. Discuss foreign trade policy or something. Just make sure to rough them up a little before you leave, looking like they gave up without a fight might be bad for their career.

8. Back On The Ground, A Free Man
Now is the time you either get arrested or go home in shame. I won't lie, there's not much you can do from this point, but you can always try.

First step: make sure you're first in the queue to get off the plane. When the door opens, refuse to move, and say that evil spirits are giving the airport bad karma. By now, nobody will argue with you, they'll just quietly shuffle their way to another exit. When everybody has done that, then you get off the plane. Just open the toilet door - you wouldn't want your friend forgotten in there.

Unfortunately there isn't much to do between getting off the plane and getting your bag. Regardless, run to the baggage claim as fast as possible, only stopping every five metres or so to mime hitting a solid wall. Wherever possible, make that wall a person.

If there's one of those fancy double door things leading to the baggage claim, go through the first door, but then turn around, start crying, and in hysterics start ramming the door you just came through, yelling about how you won't survive in prison. Do this until your plane's baggage starts coming through, you don't want to miss it.

Make sure you're near where the bags come out. You want to get to them first. For each one that comes, grab it, open it, rummage around for anything valuable (you've made it this far, you might as well make a profit) and when you've got all of that, close it again and throw it out the nearest window. If the bag is locked or otherwise sealed, just slice it open using a bowie knife (you DID bring one, didn't you?) then proceed as before.

Even if it comes out first, take your bag last. Casually walk out the door. You're free! You failed at your goal of getting arrested, but hopefully you've learned some important lessons so you'll do better at that next time.