Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 1/11/09

Yes, it's late. Sue me. Turned out alright though, because for some reason Valve released a second set of top sellers two days after the last one, so I'm using that one (duplicates, missing items and all).

Also worth noting: all of this week's comments will be supplied in limerick form.

#1 ( = ) Borderlands
There once was a border in the lands,
Where warriors would make their stands,
They were shot in the head,
And then they were dead,
I'm the best sniper in all the lands!

#2 ( \/ ) Left 4 Dead 2
There was a zombie apocalypse,
Some of them had quite massive hips.
Those boomers just ate,
Ellis off a plate,
All in one of Louis's drug trips.

#3 ( ! ) Torchlight
There's a light from this torch so bright,
It lights all corners of the night,
What is this game about?
That I need to find out,
Before judging it at first sight.

#4 ( \/ ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
Dragons must be so full of hate,
Surely their age must be very great!
I sit to theorise,
Will people realise?
This game is the same as Baldur's Gate!

#5 ( ! ) Football Manager 2010
The sport's alright, I shouldn't knock her,
So much fun, the riots that occur.
Balls have so much heft.
There's only one fact left,
Football is actually called soccer.

#6 ( /\ ) Killing Floor
The floor has so very much killing,
No wonder it receives top billing.
When it comes to death,
This game is hardly bereft.
So much that the blood just keeps spilling.

#8 ( ! ) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
This game has many different guns,
Weigh them all, and it must be tons.
Pull a gun, take a stance,
See them all crap their pants,
And suddenly they all have the runs.

#9 ( ! ) The Witcher: Enhanced Edition Director's Cut
Surely with a game title so long,
The game it describes must be strong.
I was so deceived,
I had really believed.
Why must cows always be so wrong?

#10 ( ! ) Team Fortress 2
The scout double jumped towards the point,
The pyro he seeked to disappoint,
The spy was not deferred,
Then a whirring was heard,
From then it was the heavy's point.

#10 ( \/ ) Aion Standard Edition
For a game with the power of flight,
Surely something is lost from the fight.
Players of this must bow,
Before players of WoW.
Lest they all be slaughtered on sight.

#10 ( ! ) S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl
Surely one must wonder about how,
Would survive a radioactive cow?
Something about the milk,
Makes it shiny as silk,
And deadly to humans as a plow.

Note to Valve: fix up your RSS feed, damnit!

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 25/10/09

Yes, I'm a day late. No, I don't care. Also worth noting: this list contains the duplicates that show up in my RSS feed. Because I feel like it.

#1 ( = ) Left 4 Dead 2
Come on people, if you want to preorder it you should have preordered it by now. And if you're in Australia, you shouldn't want to preorder it any more.

#1 ( /\ ) Borderlands
This one's ironic, considering the head of Gearbox doesn't like how Steam is run.

#2 ( ! ) Dragon Age: Origins
Everybody know's BioWare's best game was SW:KOTOR. And no, I won't listen to extremely futile arguments otherwise.

#3 ( /\ ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
See my previous rants about digital special editions. Or just read the summary... there's nothing special about them since you can sell as many as you want, and exclusive in-game items can often be cheated in.

#3 ( ! ) Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
First thing wrong - it's CoD. Second thing wrong - it's $90 US in Australia. We're supposed to pay 33% more than the yanks because of what exactly? A cent or two that it would cost to get the data over here? And no - isn't that - as there are plenty of Steam content servers in Australia. So WHAT THE F%&K IS IT? Third thing wrong - it's $60 US in the US. That's too much for a game, lots too much for a PC game, and and WAAAAAY too much for a digitally distributed PC game, since it costs practically nothing to get it to the consumer.

#4 ( ! ) ARMA 2
What's more fun - a hardcore realistic PC shooter, or a game where I can beat overgrown chickens to death with my bare hands? Doesn't seem much contest to me.

#5 ( = ) Aion Standard Edition
What's more fun - a MMO, or a MMO with dancing cows? Doesn't seem much contest to me.

#6 ( ! ) Tropico 3 - Steam Special Edition
What's more fun - a game whose cover has a Fidel Castro look-alike, or pictures of Fidel Castro? Doesn't seem much contest to me.

#7 ( ! ) Assassin's Creed: Director's Cut Edition
What's more fun - a game that has you skulking in the shadows, sneaking carefully up in your prey, or a game where you ride on top of a carriage driven by an overgrown cyclops knight who has captured a princess, with thieves swinging down onto the carriage, all while fighting a giant troll who shoots laser beams from his eyes? Okay, this is getting silly - but my point is still valid.

#8 ( ! ) Killing Floor
Troy: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: Ohhh!
Troy: Don't let the name throw you Jimmy. It's not really a floor, it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

#9 ( = ) Left 4 Dead
How to have your own zombie apocalypse, Australian style:
1) Get Michael Atkinson, Stephen Conroy and Malcolm Turnbull in a room together.
2) Kill them.
3) Who cares about the zombie apocalypse? You just solved all the country's problems!

#10 ( = ) Counter-Strike: Source
Why buy a $20 game when there's a game at half the price which is basically the same thing? And the less 10 year olds in the game, the better, obviously.

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 18/10/09

The problem with the frequency of these posts is that they make the infrequency of my other posts that much more obvious.

#1 ( = ) Left 4 Dead 2
It's maintained the top seller spot, and it isn't even out yet. Shouldn't everyone who wants to preorder it have already done so?

#2 ( /\ ) Borderlands
Show me a co-op shooter that isn't some variety of L4D that actually works, then I'll buy it. But I won't preorder it.

#3 ( \/ ) Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising
Show me a realistic tactical shooter that actually works, then I'll laugh at you and call you crazy.

#4 ( ! ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
1) It's a preorder. That costs more. For the PC version, I'll bet you anything that within 3 days of release, you'll be able to cheat to get the "exclusive" items. 2) When was the last time Bioware actually made a different game? The past few have just been basically the same game with different settings.

#5 ( /\ ) Aion Standard Edition
Why do people keep buying this? It's not WoW. From what I've read, it isn't better than WoW.

#6 ( ! ) Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War II
People are only buying this because it was on special. People should already have it.

#7 ( ! ) Saints Row 2
It's a GTA ripoff. It's a good game, but it's a GTA ripoff. Why don't you just buy GTA?

#8 ( /\ ) Cities XL Limited Edition
I've made my thoughts about digitally distributed limited editions before, now, and repeatedly. And as I said last week, while I'm not sure how well the concept works, it sounds awkward.

#9 ( = ) Left 4 Dead
The sequel's coming out in a matter of weeks. Sure, the original is great, but save your dough and only get eaten by the newer zombies.

#10 ( ! ) Counter-Strike: Source
TF2 is the obviously superiour Source multiplayer FPS. No, really. Even without that, I'd still rather play DoD:S than CS:S.

Note: These are based off the RSS feed, which often contain different games at the same positions (don't ask me why, ask Valve). I use whatever's at the top of my RSS reader's list (most recent posts first).

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 11/10/09

The previous installment was a bit late. This one is on time. Don't count on this happening again. Also new to this installment (since they wouldn't have worked last week), I'll provide how they've changed. Work it out, shouldn't be hard.

#1 ( = ) - Left 4 Dead 2
I understand that those of us in Australia have only just been able to preorder L4D2 through Steam. But since we're obviously so few in number (that has to be the reason game publishers don't care about us, right?), we shouldn't be able to push it up to #1. And in theory (for everyone else, anyway) if you're going to preorder you've had plenty of time to do so by now.

#2 ( ! ) - Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising
A tactical, realistic shooter. Why would I want that when it's much more fun to walk around as a fat guy with a big minigun, mowing down scouts while I'm being healed by a German guy with a magic beam?

#3 ( /\ ) - Borderlands
Gearbox's CEO doesn't seem to like Steam (or to be more exact, Valve running Steam). If he had such a big problem, I don't think we'd be able to get it from Steam. I'm not sure why he's complaining anyway, since this seems to be doing quite well.

#4 ( = ) - Risen
Still not interested enough to look into it too much (which itself should say something), but it just seems like an Elder Scrolls/Fable clone to me.

#5 ( ! ) - Empire: Total War - The Warpath Campaign
It's DLC. That costs $10. That's either too expensive for what you get, or too much content for traditional DLC yet not enough content for traditional expansion. It's stuck in limbo.

#6 ( ! ) - Empire: Total War
Is it just me, or is the Total War series just the same game with models for the relevant time period hastily slapped over whatever's already there so as to shove it out the door as quickly as possible?

#7 ( \/ ) - Aion Standard Edition
An MMO shouldn't focus on looking pretty (I'm not saying it does, but since it runs on CryEngine it can't be too bad), it should focus on not being mindlessly repetitive. From what I understand, Aion doesn't do too well in that department.

#8 ( \/ ) - Aion Collector's Edition
Come on people, when the limited edition isn't limited you should be willing to shell out the few extra bones it costs to get it.

#9 ( \/ ) - Left 4 Dead
Come on people, the sequel is coming out! You should already have this! The only situation I can think of for actually preferring this to the sequel is if you're in Australia and you don't want the pussy version which the government thinks is the only one we can handle.

#10 ( ! ) - Cities XL Limited Edition
Hmm, MMO SimCity. I prefer playing in the same room as other people, so I can criticise their city in person, and "accidentally" cause disasters while they're otherwise occupied.

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 4/10/09

People do things they shouldn't. People do things which don't make sense. That's why I hate them. That's usually not enough explanation for people, so I thought I'd explain through the most illogical means possible - why people shouldn't have bought whatever the top sellers are on Steam.

#1 - Left 4 Dead 2
I don't get preordering games through Steam - do it in a store, and you're guaranteed to get a copy when it comes out. Come on people, it's digital distribution. They don't run out. So all you're doing is letting them sit on your money. Admittedly I'd be letting them sit on my money if I could, but I never said I don't hate myself.

#2 - Left 4 Dead
The problem with people buying this is that they should already have it. That and the whole the-sequel's-coming-out-in-a-few-weeks-why-buy-the-original deal.

#3 - Aion Collector's Edition
Collector's editions used to be called limited editions. You know why. BECAUSE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LIMITED. You're supposed to fight to get one, preferably with firearms. But when you're selling as many copies as people will buy, what's the point?
Oh, and for everything else I find wrong with this game, look at #5.

#4 - Risen
I've never heard of it. The only thing of any value that I've never heard of is my loyal cannon fodder readers. No, seriously, I've heard of every other game in this list. The fact that I haven't heard of this one has to mean something. What exactly I'm not sure.

#5 - Aion Standard Edition
It's an MMO. Which isn't WoW. I'm not saying that WoW is perfect (okay, I am), but considering the number of players it has, Blizzard must be doing something right.

#6 - Batman: Arkham Asylum
If the point of this column wasn't to criticise, I wouldn't say anything here. Since criticism is the name of the game however, what sort of people buy a game like this through Steam instead of going to a store? Comic book fans still living with their parents, going outside so little that mere seconds of sun exposure will cause skin cancer?

#7 - Counter-Strike: Source
I've already had enough 12 year olds swearing at me in voice chat in CS:S. WE DON'T NEED MORE OF YOUR KIND, THANK YOU AND PISS OFF.

#8 - Borderlands
See #1.

#9 - Resident Evil 5
Everybody that matters (me) knows the best RE game in recent memory was Resident Wiivil 4.

#10 - F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin
C.R.A.P.P.Y.: Constantly Racketeering Acronyms Puposefully and Potentially Yelling. That and anyone who wants to be really scared need only look at a picture of Susan Boyle's face.