One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Five

Space Invaders Extreme
News flash: slightly fancier versions of really, really old games are still as old as the original. Now excuse me as I install neon lights on my Monopoly board.
Would I be caught dead with it? Those invaders won't find it on me.

Star Trek: D.A.C.
Ooh, I love acronyms. Star Trek: Damn Annoying Crap? Star Trek: Damnit, Another Camel? Star Trek: Danish Astronauts Carpool? Star Trek: Destroy All Creatures? Who knows?
Would I be caught dead with it? The English language will kill me for what I just did to it, but no.

Texas Cheat'em
Damn this is ugly. And boring. Any game designed around quick-time events deserves its own circle in hell.
Would I be caught dead with it? Hell no!

The Maw
A game about my life. Except I'm not purple. Or one eyed. And my name isn't Maw. Still, it reminds me of me, and that's good enough in my book.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, as an autobiography.

Ticket to Ride
I've made it clear before how I love a nice physical game to video game transition, and this makes the cut.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, although without thousands of REAL cards to choke on, I'll live forever.

Uno Rush
How fun would real games be if you forcefully sped them up? Think about it. "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. And do it in the next 5 seconds or I whoop your ass!". It just doesn't work.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. (just imagine that in a really high pitched sped up voice)

Worms
Sure, it's not the best version of Worms around (and no, I won't tell you what is, as I'll get flamed... and by that I mean BBQ'd). But blowing little worms straight to hell never gets old.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and I'll have left a little explosive present for anyone nearby.

Zuma
Don't get me wrong, I hate this on computer too, so I'm being completely fair. But this simply DOES NOT WORK WITH ANALOG STICKS. You need a mouse. And to have lost all self respect to be playing it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance in hell.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Four

N+
The full version is saved for the masochistic elite.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. And then I'll start cutting myself (but not in an emo way).

NEW RALLY-X
If by "new" you mean "the same as the original with slightly newer levels", then yes. The only problem is that the same isn't very good.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.

OutRun Online Arcade
Finally, a racing game that understands those of us who don't want to touch the brakes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'd probably die crashing head-first into a wall.

PAC-MAN
The yellow guy's starting to get a bit old. Seriously, at his age he needs the power pellets mashed up first.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. And get off my lawn, you damn kids!

Pac-Man C.E.
Also known as "son of Pac-Man". He's also learned a few tricks, it seems.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, possibly only because it reminds me of eating.

Prince of Persia
There's a reason Ubisoft saw to "carefully forget" everything when they made Sands of Time.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was bored to death.

Rez HD
Bringing great games to bigger masses. But they still won't play them.
Would I be caught dead with it? Everyone should!

R-Type Dimensions
This series seems to have failed to successfully travel the fourth dimension: time. That, or we're still in the early 90's.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only for want of more shumps. Actually screw that, I'll stick to Ikaruga.

Small Arms
Not small enough it seems, since this piece of crap managed to reach me.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I'm bribed to.

Smash TV
So average you'll want to smash your TV.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only because it has hordes of stuff to kill.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Three

Heavy Weapon
The most boring dual-stick shooter since I took a dump on Geometry Wars.
Would I be caught dead with it? Probably, but I wouldn't admit it.

Ikaruga
There's but one conclusion to be had from this: not enough decent shumps.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. Very yes.

Lode Runner
What a lode of crap.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.

Lumines Live!
Good, I didn't want the pre-recorded version. Oh, and it's synesthesia-tastic!
Would I be caught dead with it? No (I have a better version), but you should.

Marble Blast Ultra
The best time I've had playing with balls since Kula World on the PS1.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends how long it is before I die.

Mega Man 9
Some things should stay in the past. This shouldn't have been there, either.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. Just no.

Meteos Wars
Teaches valuable lessons about falling blocks, matching colours, gravity, rockets, and unfair game mechanics.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!

Minesweeper Flags
By definition, minesweeper is a boring game. Would solitare be more fun if it was competitive and had powerups? I thought so.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance.

Mr. Driller Online
Lesson one: the demo should at least live up to the title of the game (this doesn't). Lesson two: don't play this game.
Would I be caught dead with it? No way.

Ms. Pac-Man
What, did she and Pac-Man get divorced or something? Maybe she had an affair... Oh, and the game's flat average.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Two

Dash of Destruction
Advertising meets crap gameplay in a mashup of bastardly proportions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not once I got my free gamerpoints.

DOOM
Sure, it's among the first FPS's. But if we thought the first of everything was good, I'd be riding my penny-farthing everywhere. There's a reason I don't.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'm a completionist.

Duke Nukem 3D
Come get some!
Would I be caught dead with it? Groovy.

E4
A game that's just about blowing things up should be more fun than this is.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends on whether I die by self-destructing.

EXIT
For someone who's trying to get out of emergencies, this guy sure is slow... he looks cool though.
Would I be caught dead with it? Maaaaaaaaaaybe...

Frogger
Gaming has come a long way. Oh wait... beep bloop bloop.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was a frog.

Galaga
Again, one of the classics I'm not really a fan of. To put it less simply, I'm not particular fond of shumps inherently because of their nature.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.

Galaga Legions
Like Galaga. Looks better. Don't care.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only slightly more than regular Galaga.

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Pew pew pew!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, if the sequel didn't exist.

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
Pew pew pew pew! Haha, die you mischievous shapes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and get some revenge on that triangle for me.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part One

I'm too cheap to buy the games, so I'll just play the demos to death! At least I can give you a decent opinion of them then.

Age of Booty
A little simple, but awesomely fun strategy-ish game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes

Assault Heroes
It's assaulting my eyes and good taste! At least it's doing it heroically.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if there was nothing better. Unfortunately, there is.

Banjo-Kazooie
A fine example of why Microsoft should never have bought Rare.
Would I be caught dead with it? You need to ask?

Banjo-Tooie
You can never have Tooie much Banjo.
Would I be caught dead with it? See above.

Bomberman Live
He's not quite at his best, but it's still blowing $%@# up, so how can you complain?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, why not.

Carcassonne
All the nerdy tile-playing goodness, now without the actual tiles!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!

Castlevania: SOTN
Sure, it's supposedly a classic. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not if my life depended on it (which it wouldn't, with me being dead and all).

Catan
WILL SOMEBODY JUST TRADE ME SOME LUMBER?!?!?!?!?!?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, you can grab it and my secret stockpile of lumber from my corpse.

Cloning Clyde
Gives me some ideas. Like cloning myself and punching you in the head from four different directions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not really.

Crystal Defenders
Hint to Square: When porting a mobile phone game to the Xbox, don't make it look, sound, and play like a mobile phone game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I've played 80% of the world's games before I die.