Warning: TF2 Spoilers Ahead, Part One

(click for full size, non-crappy quality version)

Slashee Top Ten: Rejected Game Mechanics

#10: Halo 3
Mechanic: Difficulty higher than "pussywillow"
Reason: All the 10 year olds playing the game need to be able to teabag out in the open without fear of instadeath.

#9: Guitar Hero 5
Mechanic: Crowd surfing
Reason: During playtesting, the "average" American kept crushing the plastic crowd.

#8: Brütal Legend
Mechanic: MORE METAL!!!!!!!!
Reason: Only Jack Black could handle more metal without his head exploding. And now we all know the inspiration for the song "Master Exploder".

#7: Resident Evil 5
Mechanic: Teammate AI
Reason: Chris couldn't stop staring at Sheva's rack for long enough to actually do something. And Sheva couldn't stop keeping the entire continent of Africa sexed up for long enough to kill anything.

#6: Metal Gear Solid 4
Mechanic: Gameplay
Reason: By the time Kojima Productions realised they weren't making a movie, it was too late.

#5: Bayonetta
Mechanic: Any semblance of a coherent plot
Reason: What's more important, plot or killing stuff? Thankfully someone at Platinum Games realised the correct answer.

#4: World of Warcraft
Mechanic: Something different after the first 15 levels
Reason: There are two kinds of people in the world: people who don't mind doing the same thing over and over for hours on end, and me. Which is the bigger audience (by number, not volume)?

#3: Grand Theft Auto IV
Mechanic: Planes
Reason: They would tip the scales in the helicopter deathmatch that EVERY multiplayer game becomes.

#2: Anything with "Wii" in the title
Mechanic: Coherent controls
Reason: Games which actually require skill? They sell. Games where the winner is often determined by whoever can give themselves Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the wrist the fastest? They sell LOTS.

#1: God of War 2
Mechanic: Kratos vs. Chuck Norris fight
Reason: The game would never end, so they couldn't milk more sequels out of the franchise.

Slashee Top Ten: Game Sequels You Probably Don't Want To See

10: Half-Life 2: Episode 3
Because anyone alive today who actually lives to see it come out isn't human.

9: Warcraft IV: "So we've done an MMO, now what?"
Because it wouldn't include a Slashee unit, and that would send me on such a rampage I'd destroy society.

8: Batman Arkham Asylum 2: Arkham Harder
Anyone ever thought that a guy who dresses as a bat belongs in Arkham as a patient, not a vigilante?

7: Call of Duty 8: Modern Warfare 3
Now consisting of nothing but airport levels!

6: Guitar Hero: Emo-Fest
Actually, this would make a good test. Anyone who buys it gets dragged out into the street and shot.

5: Duke Nukem Forever
For it to come out, Satan will have to be in some way involved.

4: Grand Theft Auto: The Barrens
Every mission boils down to killing Chuck Norris supporters. And the game never ends.

3: Assassin's Creed 3
Game setting? Modern day. Famous assassin? Dick Cheney.

2: Need for Speed: Tiger Woods
Actually, a game that's even more about crashing than Burnout would probably be fun.

1: Beyond Good & Evil 2
Hell will have frozen over, which should actually make it pretty good for holidaying. I'll just catch a ride down there on Stephen Conroy's body.

Review: Band Hero

Demo Impressions: Batman: Arkham Asylum

As a general rule, licensed games suck. In fact it's a statistic that I just made up that 95% of games based on movies suck. Other licenses tend to fare a bit better, but not by much. Comics tend to be the exception (and by exception, I mean 1 or 2 percent more don't suck). So don't worry, this Batman game is based on the comics. Don't worry if you don't read the comics (I don't, but I do tend to know a bit more than the average person), as most of the major characters are either obvious (like Batman) or in the moves (like the Joker). Well from what I've seen anyway (for a 2 gigabyte download, the demo isn't very long). It does help that there are profiles of all the major characters. There's also trophies of some of the characters, that you can zoom and rotate on, to either get a better view of someone, or the perfect crotch shot of The Dark Knight himself.If you're expecting a story like the latest movies though, it looks like you'll be disappointed, as the story has a real comic book sort of vibe to it.

Okay, for the graphics... they're damn fine (that is to say they're completely awesome). As this bat is based off his comic appearances, don't expect anyone to look like someone from the movies (well, the Joker looks a little bit like Heath Ledger, but that could just be because Heath Ledger makes a damn fine Joker). Places aren't too dark (there's no point having a dark hiding spot if you can't see it yourself). Arkham looks creepy enough that you'd want to be crazy to go there (wait, that's not right). There are plenty of excellent graphical cues for things like dropping down from a ledge and grabbing someone, or swinging around with the grapple.

Sound, like graphics, is top notch. Music helps to set the scene but doesn't get in the way (although with how some of it sounds, I almost wish it did). You may or may not recognise any of the voice actors - it really doesn't matter, as they all do a great job. All your attacks sound like they connect (and really hurt), and all the other sound effects (gliding, grappling, etc.) sound like what I'd presume they'd actually sound like. Like the graphics, it's all the small touches that make the difference... like the chatter between all the goons (just for one example).

All that I've described so far would make a fine movie for sure, but this is a game so I must talk about what makes it a game. Firstly the combat... it's very fluid, goes together very well and before you know you'll feel ready to take on a whole room of goons at once. It's a nice nod to the comics in that you never actually kill anyone - you just knock them unconscious. Unlike the last Batman game I played though, you don't have to go to the ridiculous length of slapping the batcuffs on every thug you K.O. in the first round (and run out of cuffs 10% of the way through the level). I guess the combat is probably most comparable to Assassin's Creed, but it tends to be a lot better here since I'm not just blocking until I can get a counter in. In this, it's just lots of fun to pull of different combos and beat the crap out of anyone stupid enough to fight you. Of course if you don't want to fight someone, assuming you can get a decent vantage point you can glide kick into them for an instant K.O.

This isn't really a platforming game (if there was a way to jump I didn't find it), so any elevation will have to be achieved by using grapple points. This brings me to the fairly cool detective mode - at the press of a button it tints the screen blue but highlights things like grapple points, vents, and enemies, Look at an enemy and you can see their heart rate (how alert they are) and whether they're feeling fine, nervous, unconscious, etc. As for the rest of the HUD - does its job, stays out of the way, just like a good HUD.

Finally... controls. I used a 360 controller (but I have the PC demo... go figure) and it works great. Various fighting commands and context sensitive actions are on the face buttons, the right trigger crouches and the left trigger pulls out tools (in the demo, Batarangs are all you have). The bumpers handle detective mode and the grapple, sticks are as you'd expect (left = movement, right = move camera - for the most part it's a third person affair but it does occasionally go into first person). The d-pad selects from your tools (as I said though, Batarangs only in the demo). It goes together quite well and I can imagine that the 360 version would control in exactly the same way. Keyboard and mouse controls (I tried them for a little bit) aren't too bad but this really is a more controller-oriented affair.

And the all important question will I buy it? Of course I will!

Game Theory: Racing

(those of you looking for a discussion of economics relating to motorsport should go here)

This is a somewhat more serious (and looooooooooooooooooong) article about game design. Now, don't get me wrong, I've never studied game design professionally, but I knows what I likes, and if anyone reading this has ever played War Pong, you'll know that I know how to make every mistake possible.

First, I'd just like to point out that this is probably the worst subject for me to start on. I suck at racing games (could have something to do with my complete and utter lack of perception, reflexes, decision making skills and manual dexterity) but that doesn't mean I don't try. Racing, it seems to me, can be inherently boring. After all, you are just going around circuits again and again, no? Needs a bit of spicing up, me thinks. There are three common ways of doing this:

• Uber-realism: generally going extremely realistic will only appeal to a certain group. Turn down the realism a little bit though, and you appeal to a much broader audience. Some people like tuning every single tiny detail of their cars, and having a single tiny mistake in the race (which could well take you an hour) either make you lose or at least be a significant penalty). This leads into our second category...
• Arcade: still uses real cars, and sometimes real tracks, but you probably don't have the opportunity to spend days tuning your car. Also, the physics tend to be a bit more forgiving, generally allowing you to drift, as well as not punishing you as harshly for making mistakes. Races are generally shorter.
  
• Ridiculous: Mario Kart.

Let's look at what's most important for a game: fun! That's why you play a game, isn't it? Single player, I find arcade racing games the most fun. I don't want to have to spend hours setting up my car perfectly for a race. I don't want to have to try to figure out what car is best based on measurements I haven't the first clue about. I don't want to have to use those measurements to pick upgrades for my car, and if I do, please don't make me choose what brand of part I want if it doesn't matter. And it better not matter. As such, I don't want a realistic racer.

On the other end of the spectrum, games like Mario Kart aren't as fun by yourself. Half the fun of MK is hitting someone with a well placed green shell (or a well deserved blue shell) and then gloating about it, preferably because they're right next to you. Online, that isn't so bad, as you at least know that another human is suffering. Yes, I'm cruel. Get over it. That leaves arcade racing games what I'd pick as best for single player, because you can just get into a race and you aren't penalised too badly when you screw up.

As for multiplayer, I do tend to prefer games like Mario Kart. Not just for the human suffering, but because races in it generally don't have any lulls where you're just zombieing around a track, and they're fairly short... not only do you get a change of scenery fairly often, but if you're doing badly in a race it's not long until you get a fresh start and a new chance at REVENGE. Sims tend to attract the wrong sort of crowd in multiplayer (the obsessed, who can't believe that the setup they spent weeks tuning lost to some idiot doing donuts on the main straight), and while arcade tends to attract a better crowd, the racing doesn't tend to be as action packed (still awesome when you beat someone despite doing donuts).

Next up: control. There are three main controllers that you use for a racing game: keyboard, gamepad, or racing wheel. The problem is that as accuracy of control goes up, difficulty in controller accurately goes up too. A keyboard is generally the easiest to use but offers the least precision (as a base, you're using 4 digital buttons)... is good enough for many things but you can do better.
Gamepads generally have analog sticks and these days analog triggers. Yes, theoretically, this does give you much finer control, but some of us just move the stick/trigger as far as they'll go 90% of the time anyway, so while it feels different, it's not necessarily any better. BTW Sony: Analog buttons - WORST IDEA EVER. Seriously, half the time when I play the PS2 I have to push the buttons so hard it hurts my finger hoof.
Finally, we have racing wheels. Yes, they're designed to be as similar as possible to driving a real car. That has both good and bad parts. Yes, they're more like driving a real car. That's good. Yes, they offer finer control. That's good. No, not all of us know how to drive a real car. That's bad. Racing wheels probably fall into the uncanny valley (if there is one) of controllers. That's not to say that they're bad, it's to say that they come close to real control but don't quite make it the whole way. Personally I prefer whichever controller gives me an excuse to spend the most money.

Okay, time for a short section: graphics and sound. Graphics I don't care about too much, as long as I can see everything clearly and the game isn't GT Pro Series (that thing is fugly). Sound, again, isn't too much of a worry, as long as it has all the appropriate vrooms and such. That just leaves the soundtrack. Now, realistically, for a racing game, you have a few choices for what music you should include. These include:

• Rock
• Rock
• Rock
• Maybe a little classical

Of course, the good thing these days is that most of the time you can bring your own music. If I had to pick one racing game for a standout soundtrack, it'd be Burnout Paradise.

Finally, how a racing game motivates you to drive correctly, and how that never works on me. Surely losing a race is punishment for not doing well; I'm sure it is, but generally games don't care how you reach the finish line first. PGR4 probably has the best example of what I'd like to see more: not only is there a reward for placing well (that gets bigger the better you do) but there's a reward for driving well throughout the race. It only has a minor punishment for screwing up, too (losing all the kudos in your current "combo", which also encourages you to calm down a bit now and then).
I guess on the other side of the proverbial coin there are the games where you can take damage. This isn't so much rewarding you for good driving (positive reinforcement, which is always a good idea) as it is punishing you for bad driving (which is better than nothing), but it doesn't really act as a deterrent to me, since I just restart the race if I deliberately ram some other car too hard.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Five

Space Invaders Extreme
News flash: slightly fancier versions of really, really old games are still as old as the original. Now excuse me as I install neon lights on my Monopoly board.
Would I be caught dead with it? Those invaders won't find it on me.

Star Trek: D.A.C.
Ooh, I love acronyms. Star Trek: Damn Annoying Crap? Star Trek: Damnit, Another Camel? Star Trek: Danish Astronauts Carpool? Star Trek: Destroy All Creatures? Who knows?
Would I be caught dead with it? The English language will kill me for what I just did to it, but no.

Texas Cheat'em
Damn this is ugly. And boring. Any game designed around quick-time events deserves its own circle in hell.
Would I be caught dead with it? Hell no!

The Maw
A game about my life. Except I'm not purple. Or one eyed. And my name isn't Maw. Still, it reminds me of me, and that's good enough in my book.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, as an autobiography.

Ticket to Ride
I've made it clear before how I love a nice physical game to video game transition, and this makes the cut.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, although without thousands of REAL cards to choke on, I'll live forever.

Uno Rush
How fun would real games be if you forcefully sped them up? Think about it. "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. And do it in the next 5 seconds or I whoop your ass!". It just doesn't work.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. (just imagine that in a really high pitched sped up voice)

Worms
Sure, it's not the best version of Worms around (and no, I won't tell you what is, as I'll get flamed... and by that I mean BBQ'd). But blowing little worms straight to hell never gets old.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and I'll have left a little explosive present for anyone nearby.

Zuma
Don't get me wrong, I hate this on computer too, so I'm being completely fair. But this simply DOES NOT WORK WITH ANALOG STICKS. You need a mouse. And to have lost all self respect to be playing it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance in hell.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Four

N+
The full version is saved for the masochistic elite.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. And then I'll start cutting myself (but not in an emo way).

NEW RALLY-X
If by "new" you mean "the same as the original with slightly newer levels", then yes. The only problem is that the same isn't very good.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.

OutRun Online Arcade
Finally, a racing game that understands those of us who don't want to touch the brakes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'd probably die crashing head-first into a wall.

PAC-MAN
The yellow guy's starting to get a bit old. Seriously, at his age he needs the power pellets mashed up first.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. And get off my lawn, you damn kids!

Pac-Man C.E.
Also known as "son of Pac-Man". He's also learned a few tricks, it seems.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, possibly only because it reminds me of eating.

Prince of Persia
There's a reason Ubisoft saw to "carefully forget" everything when they made Sands of Time.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was bored to death.

Rez HD
Bringing great games to bigger masses. But they still won't play them.
Would I be caught dead with it? Everyone should!

R-Type Dimensions
This series seems to have failed to successfully travel the fourth dimension: time. That, or we're still in the early 90's.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only for want of more shumps. Actually screw that, I'll stick to Ikaruga.

Small Arms
Not small enough it seems, since this piece of crap managed to reach me.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I'm bribed to.

Smash TV
So average you'll want to smash your TV.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only because it has hordes of stuff to kill.

Demo Impressions: Zeno Clash

Zeno Clash is a fairly unique title. It's a first person game using the Source engine, but you can't really call it a FPS. Sure, it has guns, but most of the focus is on melee combat. Personally, I never thought that would work from a first person perspective. But it does. It does make it a bit more challenging, since you can't see all around you (not at once, anyway), but it ends up working quite well. I won't bother trying to tell you the controls (it has different moves up the wazoo), but take my word for it that when you end up losing (and you will, at first), you won't have the game to blame.

As for graphics, I'm not going to lie to you. The Source engine isn't as impressive as it used to be. Don't get me wrong, it still looks great, especially compared to other game enginesa of its age, but by these days I've seen better. Portal gets around it by going for simplicity (though frankly I don't think you can make the companion cube look any better. TF2 uses a striking (and awesome) art style. So does Zeno Clash. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't look anything like TF2, but it has a bright and varied colour palette which makes objects stand out and makes you forget that it doesn't have insanely high texture resolution or something like that.

Sound... not really worth a mention. That's not to say it's bad (that's worth a huge mention), but like I see sound in a lot of games, it's just fairly forgettable. Weapons make appropriate noises and you have average sort of voice acting (though to be honest, the actors sound a bit bored).

In short: this is worth buying. Just because I'm too cheap to doesn't mean you should be.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Three

Heavy Weapon
The most boring dual-stick shooter since I took a dump on Geometry Wars.
Would I be caught dead with it? Probably, but I wouldn't admit it.

Ikaruga
There's but one conclusion to be had from this: not enough decent shumps.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes. Very yes.

Lode Runner
What a lode of crap.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.

Lumines Live!
Good, I didn't want the pre-recorded version. Oh, and it's synesthesia-tastic!
Would I be caught dead with it? No (I have a better version), but you should.

Marble Blast Ultra
The best time I've had playing with balls since Kula World on the PS1.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends how long it is before I die.

Mega Man 9
Some things should stay in the past. This shouldn't have been there, either.
Would I be caught dead with it? No. Just no.

Meteos Wars
Teaches valuable lessons about falling blocks, matching colours, gravity, rockets, and unfair game mechanics.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!

Minesweeper Flags
By definition, minesweeper is a boring game. Would solitare be more fun if it was competitive and had powerups? I thought so.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not a chance.

Mr. Driller Online
Lesson one: the demo should at least live up to the title of the game (this doesn't). Lesson two: don't play this game.
Would I be caught dead with it? No way.

Ms. Pac-Man
What, did she and Pac-Man get divorced or something? Maybe she had an affair... Oh, and the game's flat average.
Would I be caught dead with it? No.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part Two

Dash of Destruction
Advertising meets crap gameplay in a mashup of bastardly proportions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not once I got my free gamerpoints.

DOOM
Sure, it's among the first FPS's. But if we thought the first of everything was good, I'd be riding my penny-farthing everywhere. There's a reason I don't.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, because I'm a completionist.

Duke Nukem 3D
Come get some!
Would I be caught dead with it? Groovy.

E4
A game that's just about blowing things up should be more fun than this is.
Would I be caught dead with it? Depends on whether I die by self-destructing.

EXIT
For someone who's trying to get out of emergencies, this guy sure is slow... he looks cool though.
Would I be caught dead with it? Maaaaaaaaaaybe...

Frogger
Gaming has come a long way. Oh wait... beep bloop bloop.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I was a frog.

Galaga
Again, one of the classics I'm not really a fan of. To put it less simply, I'm not particular fond of shumps inherently because of their nature.
Would I be caught dead with it? Nope.

Galaga Legions
Like Galaga. Looks better. Don't care.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only slightly more than regular Galaga.

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved
Pew pew pew!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, if the sequel didn't exist.

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
Pew pew pew pew! Haha, die you mischievous shapes.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes, and get some revenge on that triangle for me.

One Line Reviews: Xbox Live Arcade Trial Games: Part One

I'm too cheap to buy the games, so I'll just play the demos to death! At least I can give you a decent opinion of them then.

Age of Booty
A little simple, but awesomely fun strategy-ish game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes

Assault Heroes
It's assaulting my eyes and good taste! At least it's doing it heroically.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if there was nothing better. Unfortunately, there is.

Banjo-Kazooie
A fine example of why Microsoft should never have bought Rare.
Would I be caught dead with it? You need to ask?

Banjo-Tooie
You can never have Tooie much Banjo.
Would I be caught dead with it? See above.

Bomberman Live
He's not quite at his best, but it's still blowing $%@# up, so how can you complain?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, why not.

Carcassonne
All the nerdy tile-playing goodness, now without the actual tiles!
Would I be caught dead with it? Yes!

Castlevania: SOTN
Sure, it's supposedly a classic. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not if my life depended on it (which it wouldn't, with me being dead and all).

Catan
WILL SOMEBODY JUST TRADE ME SOME LUMBER?!?!?!?!?!?
Would I be caught dead with it? Sure, you can grab it and my secret stockpile of lumber from my corpse.

Cloning Clyde
Gives me some ideas. Like cloning myself and punching you in the head from four different directions.
Would I be caught dead with it? Not really.

Crystal Defenders
Hint to Square: When porting a mobile phone game to the Xbox, don't make it look, sound, and play like a mobile phone game.
Would I be caught dead with it? Only if I've played 80% of the world's games before I die.

Demo Impressions: Guitar Hero Greatest Hits

It's err... Guitar Hero.















Okay fine, you deserve a little more than that. For those not in the know, this is taking songs from the first five GH games (GH, GH2, Rocks the 80s, GH3, and Aerosmith), updating them to support a full band, and using master tracks where they weren't before. The demo features one venue (some icy place, not sure what it's supposed to be), I'll get to the songs later. The graphics are about as good as World Tour (funny about that, since it uses the same engine), though the HUD seems updated a bit. I only had a chance to play solo (if the demo supports online play, I couldn't find it). And when I say updated a bit... the only real change I could see is that you can now see the progress towards stars for a song (kind of like Rock Band, but it's a bar that fills). Sure everything looks a little bit different but it appears to be nowhere near the makeover Harmonix is giving Rock Band for The Beatles. So, yeah... it's Guitar Hero.

Oh, and like any good music game, it has songs (the bad ones are pretty boring). The demo only has three (one each from GH, GH2 and GH3), all of which were covers in their original appearances, but as I said earlier, are now master tracks.
Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand (first appearance: Guitar Hero).
It's awesome. This song is probably more hit and miss when it comes to liking it than the others, but I say it's awesome, and my word is law.
Rating: Awesome

Rock and Roll All Nite by Kiss (first appearance: Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock)
Not as awesome, but hearing the proper version is soooo much better than the crappy cover in GH3. Don't get me wrong, it's a great song, just not so much my sort of thing as the others.
Rating: Mostly Awesome

Woman by Wolfmother (first appearance: Guitar Hero II)
I probably like Take Me Out more, but this is just a rockin' song that is so much more deserving of being turned up to 11. Or 12, if 11 isn't enough for you. The important part is that it's turned up.
Rating: Awesome

And for the most important part of any demo review... will I be contributing to the cash cow that is GHGH (or GH²): Yes, but I didn't need to play the demo to tell me that.

Demo Impressions: Bionic Commando

Allow me to pose you, the reader unfortunate enough to be here, a question: what do you get when you start with a regular third person shooter, and turn it on its head by having rocket boots, and MASSIVE arenas to fly around in? Think about that before you start reading the next paragraph.

Thought about it? That would be awesome. Unfortunately that's not Bionic Commando. In Bionic Commando you have a stretch arm with a claw on the end. That makes you either a watered down Doctor Octopus or a one-armed Bender without any of the awesomeness. It's fun swinging around though. The thing about BC is that you tend to be moving around a lot more than another TPS (unless you're using the sniper rifle, in that case you're only moving after I smack you with a zip kick). Most of the weapons aren't particularly accurate, but they don't really need to be, as whatever weapons aren't one hit kills only take a few shots. This really forces you to stay on your feet (proverbially anyway, a lot of the time you're off them), as you never know who's going to wipe you out next. Most of the time I find myself swinging around, looking for the next weapon pickup (or grabbing a grenade launcher, gripping the nearest horizontal beam then blowing anyone who gets close straight to hell.

The graphics... well, they're not great. They're pretty good, and they're more than good enough to get by, but I've seen a lot better. It doesn't really help that there's not much variety in the demo... one map, at night, so dim you can't see a lot of stuff. I get the feeling it would look a lot better during the day. The player models almost look like they're ripped straight out of Tron, and since it's multiplayer only, you don't even get to see Rad.

Sound... is sound. Fast paced music designed to create an arcade sort of atmosphere (which it does, and works great with the arcade-y VO). Fairly generic weapon sounds, but enough to know how much arse you're kicking.

Control is probably the most important part with a fast paced game like BC. For the most part, it works, although the are some things I really don't agree with. Swinging is handled with the left trigger, after it targets something. The arm targeting follows the crosshair, but isn't directly linked to it (it's sticky). The problem with that is that while it makes it easier to target some things with your arm (particuarly fast moving players), but you can't always target what you want. Thankfully, the gun follows the crosshair (no lock on aiming), so you can blast away freely. Evading is mapped to left bumper and the left analog stick, but I barely ever use it (most of the time it's easier to just swing out of the way). Quick turning is mapped to the directions on the d-pad, and I'd much rather have that on the left bumper (since it's dangerous to stop to turn).

You want to know the real problem with the Bionic Commando demo? The demo! There's nothing to it, and I''m not trying to say it's easy. You have one game mode (deathmatch), one way to play it (online), one map (Vertigo), you can't set the time limit (5 minutes, whether you like it or not), and after every match you just get forced back into finding another game. No way to keep a group together. No way to make a private game. No way to invite someone else into a public game. And then there's the bugs. Random disconnections? Consider yourself lucky. Everyone disconnects? Minor annoyance. Game freezes and you have to go back to the dashboard? It happens. Entirely freezes your 360 every 4-5 games? ANNOYING AS HELL! Then there's the minor bugs, like how should someone die while holding a sniper rifle, the aiming beam remains in the level. Somehow I don't think they did that much QA on the demo (and I thought Microsoft had a strict control process before you could get anything listen on Live). Then there's the lag. Either nobody else in Australia is playing this or they're actively avoiding me (not sure how they'd do that, since I can't even find someone half the time, let alone avoid them). It just tends to be annoying, shooting where people apparently were 5 seconds ago. It doesn't affect your movement, which I guess is something.

Overall? It's fun. Lots of fun. Swinging around, blowing people to hell, leaving craters where someone was, and delivering kicks that would make Chuck Norris proud. Not necessarily the most technically advanced game, but that never stops things being fun. In short: come out sooner, you damn full game!

Shaman Changes In 3.1 or: How I Learned To Quit Complaining and Accept My Fate

My notes are in italics, for those who care (how many people have mental illnesses, anyway?)

Shaman

• Bloodlust/Heroism: Cooldown reduced to 5 minutes, but Sated and Exhausted now last 10 minutes.
  This is bad - soloing it's not going to make much of a difference, as you'll still only be able to use it once every 10 minutes (although if you die you can use it sooner, but that's about it). In groups however, if you have more than one shaman you'll only be able to use it half as often.
  
  
• Earth Elemental Totem: The summoned Earth Elemental should now have significantly more health and slightly more armor.
  Huzzah - now reduce the cooldown so I'm not always saving it for "when I need it".
  
  
• Fire Elemental Totem: The summoned Fire Elemental should now have moderately more health and mana, and its damage scaling has been increased. In addition, the Fire Elemental's spells now cost less mana.
  Great, it'll survive a little longer. Soloing this won't make much difference, as by the time it's done either all your enemies are dead or you are. Might help a little in a group, for when you need a little extra kick or just feel like showing off.
  
  
• Flametongue Weapon: Bonus damage from spell power now based on weapon speed. Slower weapons will benefit more from spell power.
  Well at least now you're finally recognising that you want us to use slow off hands as Enhancement, or probably some nice staves for our Elemental brethren. I'll stick to Windfury for now though...
  
  
• Frostbrand Weapon: Damage increased by approximately 20%.
  Making this 20% more useful make it about... 20% useful. In slightly more seriousness, though, any more damage is good.
  
  
• Mana Spring Totem: This totem has been redesigned. It now provides the same mana benefit as Blessing of Wisdom to the entire party or raid, but is exclusive with that effect.
  Great, so you're giving the small group a benefit (as BoW does give you slightly more mana), but screwing over the large group. You want us to use Healing Stream... just admit it.
  
  
• Poison Cleansing Totem and Disease Cleansing Totem have been merged into Cleansing Totem. Cleansing Totem pulses every 3 seconds, down from 5.
  Less totems are good when they merge the effects, but I wasn't using either of these unless the situation called for it, and it's going to stay that way.
  

Enhancement

• Earthen Power redesigned: Your Earthbind Totem has a 50/100% chance to also remove all snare effects and make you and nearby friendly targets immune to them for 5 seconds when it pulses.
  Okay, this is a buff, I'll admit that. I disagree on principle though... this is clearly a PvP buff, and I don't want Enhancement to become a strictly PvP spec.
  
  
• Flurry: Now provides 5/10/15/20/25% haste instead of 10/15/20/25/30%.
  Last change was a buff. It was also a mostly useless buff for me. This is clearly a nerf, which will hit me (and all Enhance shammies) hard. Well, maybe not hard, but still a hit.
  
  
• New Talent: Frozen Power: Increases the damage done by your Lightning Bolt, Chain Lightning, Lava Lash and Shock spells by 5/10% on targets afflicted by your Frostbrand Attack effect, and your Frost Shock has a 50/100% chance to root the target in Ice for 5 seconds when used on targets at or further than 15 yards from you.
  Didn't I just make myself clear on PvP changes? Frostbrand is mostly useless in PvE, and this isn't likely to change that. It's almost like they want us to ignore Windfury and go Frostbrand/Flametounge though. Seriously, WTF?
  
  
• Lava Lash now has a new icon.
  Sorry, Blizz. Nobody cared when it came to Stormstrike, nobody cares about this. Is the new Stormstrike icon nice? Yeah it is. Would I rather you actually fix the class? HELL YES!
  
  
• Spirit Weapons: Now reduces all threat generated by 30%, not just physical attacks.
  Introducing: the change that should have been introduced in 3.0.2 . Seriously, you make us stack intellect, you give us Maelstrom Weapon with which to cast more spells, and you don't help us reduce our spell threat? Well you do now, but that's beside the point...
  
  
• Stormstrike charges have been increased by 2, and cooldown reduced by 2 seconds.
  Finally, something I can't really complain about. I could complain about lack of originality if I wanted (and I do), so couldn't you give us something more than just folding Improved Stormstrike into the base talent?
  
  
• Improved Stormstrike redesigned: When you Stormstrike, you have a 50/100% chance to immediately grant you 20% of your base mana.
  Look at the Spirit Weapons change. We either needed this or a reduced cooldown on Shamanistic Rage, preferably both. Again, a buff, but it's like breaking your leg then putting it in a cast... sure it'll heal eventually, but it'll never be as good as it was.
  
  
• Toughness: No longer increases your armor. Instead, this talent now increases your total stamina by 2/4/6/8/10%.
  More useful. Still mainly a PvP talent. You know how I feel about that.
  
  
• Unleashed Rage: Reduced to 3 points, down from 5. No longer increases agility, but instead increases your total expertise by 3/6/9.
  This is just brilliant here, where the class is being taken. Burst damage used to be a Shaman's bread and butter, we couldn't be beaten. It was (among the other things that made us so awesome), what made us unique. But you keep picking away at our burst damage. Sure, our average DPS remains about the same, and we'll probably be more likely to make friends of the local tanks. But it just doesn't feel the same.
  

Elemental

• New Talent: Booming Echoes: Reduces the cooldown of your Flame Shock and Frost Shock spells by an additional 1/2 seconds, and increases the direct damage done by your Flame Shock and Frost Shock spells by an additional 10/20%.
  This is a buff. But why should Elemental get all the fun?
  
  
• Elemental Mastery redesigned: When activated, your next Lightning Bolt, Chain Lightning or Lava Burst spell becomes an instant cast spell. In addition, your Fire, Frost and Nature damage spells have a 15% increased critical strike chance for 15 seconds. Elemental Mastery now shares a cooldown with Nature's Swiftness.
  Again, sacrificing burst damage for consistent damge. It all evens out in the long run, but it's just not as fun.
  
  
• Elemental Reach: Now also increases the range of your Flame Shock spell by 5/10/15 yards.
  If, considering the next change, this hadn't been done, there'd be rioting in the streets of Dalaran, and I'd join them. Not that I'm Elemental... I just like rioting.
  
  
• Lava Flows: No longer increases the range of your Flame Shock spell, but now increases your casting speed by 10/20/30% when your Flame Shock spell is dispelled for 6 seconds.
  There's a trend towards casting speed lately - why? Not that I'm complaining... a buff is a buff (which, again, PvE Elementals get to enjoy), I'd just like to know. I for one would prefer massive hits to fast ones. What am I, a mage?
  
  
• Lightning Overload: Reduced to 3 points (7/14/20%), down from 5.
  Can't introduce a new talent without giving you some points to spend on it, and as long as it ends up the same I don't particularly care one way or the other. Well, I care if the new talent is cool.
  
  
• Storm, Earth and Fire: No longer increases the range of your Earth Shock or Wind Shock spells, but now also causes your Earthbind Totem to have a 33/66/100% chance to root all nearby enemies for 5 seconds when initially cast.
  Oh crap, not even Elemental is immune from the PvP-oriented changes (read: nerfs). RUN FOR THE HILLS!
  
  
• Thunderstorm can now be cast while stunned.
  Well hot dog. And that's what someone will be if they think they're safe while you're stunned. A buff with no negative side effects, what could go wrong?
  

Restoration

• Ancestral Awakening: This talent now accounts for your ineffective healing, rather than effective.
  Another buff... that Enhancement doesn't get. I'm not going to start overhealing like there's no tomorrow just because I can get Ancestral Awakening from it. But it might make the difference between a Lesser Healing Wave and a regular Healing Wave.
  
  
• Ancestral Healing and Healing Grace have swapped places in the Restoration talent tree.
  Meh? Restoration isn't exactly a hugely popular leveling spec (might be used a little bit more thanks to dual specs), but at low levels like that it's not going to make any difference.
  
  
• Cleanse Spirit now has a new icon.
  Restoration: The New Enhancement.
  
  
• Mana Tide Totem: This spell no longer costs mana.
  Irony 101... wait, that was it costing mana in the first place, never mind. Again, a nice buff.
  
  
• Restorative Totems: Reduced to 3 points, down from 5. Increases the effect of your Mana Spring Totem by 7/12/20%, and increases the amount healed by your Healing Stream Totem by 15/30/45%.
  For those of you playing at home, that's a slight nerf (5%) to Mana Spring and a decent buff (20%) to Healing Stream. I use Healing Stream more so I'm calling this a win, you may not feel the same way.
  
  
• Riptide: This spell has a new icon.
  Riptide: The New Cleanse Spirit.
  
  
• Tidal Force: Now has a new spell effect.
  Slightly more effort than a new icon, I'll give them that much. Should that mean I have to like it? Yes. Do I like it? Not in principle... I haven't seen the effect but it'd have to be pretty awesome to make me think it's worth taking the place of an actual change.

I'd like to make it clear that I will neither quit complaining or accept my fate, but it makes for a good title.

Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 2: Toy Cars

Too many toy cars to give each a thorough review, so a few sentences and score out of 10 will have to do.

Toy Hunter Cavalry
Toy Cavalry vs. Cavalry Bootlegger: The ultimate test of toys against the full size demons. Who wins? The bootlegger. But toy barrel rolls are still undeniably awesome. 7/10

Toy Hunter Manhattan
Cruising in toy style. Unfortunately it's not cruising particularly fast. Still, it's good for either that toy pimp or midget wannabe in your life. 5/10

Toy Krieger WTR
Hey, Formula 1. Yeah, you. You want to get people in to races? Start sending these around tracks and watch the money come. 8/10

Toy Jansen P12
I'm sure everyone would rather have a Toy 88 Special, but you can't have everything. It's still damn good for stunts. Doesn't look as appropriate as the Toy Cavalry, but it's better. Style or substance? It's your choice. 9/10

Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
The very definition of awesome: get a full size Takedown to jump over a few of these.
The very definition of ultra-awesome: get one of these to jump over a few full size Takedowns.
Also useful for forcefully clearing blocked streets. 8/10

Toy Carson GT Concept
It's toy muscle. Theoretically, it should therefore be about 1/8th the size of real muscle, come with indecipherable instructions, break after about 15 minutes, and not come with batteries.
Despite this it still manages to be a pretty good way to humiliate your opponents (especially a Toy WTR if you can pull that off). 7/10

Toy Hunter Citizen
When you first hear the name, you think it'd be useless because those toy handcuffs always have an easy release on them. But trust me, if there's enough left of the crooks after you're done with this, they're doing pretty well for themselves. 8/10

Toy Carson Inferno Van
If the toy van's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin. Oh wait... they never make dolls accurate where people want them to be (be honest, you've looked).
Perhaps it's more useful as a brick wall on wheels... yeah, that'll do. Just remember that brick powered engines aren't particularly fast. 9/10

Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Such a shame, if only bikes weren't practically useless in-game. It'd be good for getting through tollbooths, because you'd fit under the gate and you'd be screaming through there so fast they couldn't get your number plate. Wait, Paradise city doesn't have those either? Well what is this good for? Wait, I know... hazing the new guy! *Gets a bunch of friends on Toy Firehawks, then boxes in someone on a regular Firehawk*... sweet. 8/10

Best in set for:
Riding a bike: Toy Jansen P12... most of the time you'll be on two or no wheels.
Having a turning circle larger than a toy city block: Toy Hunter Manhattan
Seeing possibly the first midget in a Burnout game: Toy Nakamura Firehawk GP
Seeing the second midget: Toy Krieger WTR
Vertical takedowns of pure ownage: Toy Hunter Cavalry
Being corrupt and putting toy good guys behind bars: Toy Hunter Citizen
Fitting an entire toy country in the passenger seat, and a full size island in the back: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4
Causing suicide resulting from embarassment at losing: Toy Carson GT Concept
Constructing mobile indestructible buildings: Toy Carson Inferno Van

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Toy Hunter Takedown 4x4

Disclaimer: Cuteness of toy cars had no effect on ratings, and will continue to have no effect until someone finds Slashee cute.

The Passion of the Shaman

I've been playing WoW for a while. I was never (and still aren't) a hardcore player. I'm still a shaman nut, though, and I feel it is my civic duty to remind everyone of the shaman awesomeness at every opportunity.

In the beginning, Blizzard created the heavens, and the earth, and many creatures were released upon to the land.

And the shaman kicked ALL their asses.

The ultimate class was restricted to the often less preferred but always infinitely cooler side, the almighty Horde. The orcs had only recently learned shamanism from the tauren. The trolls... wait, why are they shaman? I thought they were more into that voodoo crap. The walking corpses couldn't be shaman, and rightly so, as many shaman consider them to be abominations unto nature.

The noble tauren, the butt of many cow jokes, however, were the true shaman (and they liked being milked).

Some old records say that orcs were shaman on Draenor long before they met the tauren. Yes, the orcs were shaman long before they met the funny walking cows, but they lost their connection to nature for a long time, thanks to their immense love of killing (and a craving for demon blood). Old records said that the mag'har clan of orcs never left Draenor and continued to practice shamanism there, long after most left for Azeroth. While quite possible, the mag'har are considered by most to be an insignificant part of orc history, and of no consequence on Azeroth.

Tauren however, have always remained true to nature and the earth mother. And while that, in itself, doesn't make them hippies, they will only fight when they need to (and since they see the earth mother everywhere, they probably partake in "other" common hippie activities). And they have kept their shamanistic (as well as a bit of druidistic) ways for a long, long time. They don't have much of a written history, so I'll probably get a whipping for this, but please bear with me.

For a while, all was good. Shaman continued to kick ass without question, and pwned paladins at every opportunity. And so, as predictably as the sun rising, the Alliance QQ'd. And Blizzard tried valiantly to soothe their wounds, but shaman continued to rub salt into them, and all continued to be right.

Much of the Alliance's complaining was without reason. Shaman could do everything one would expect an almighty to do; walk on water, resurrect oneself and turn water into DEATH. In response to this sheer awesomeness, the Alliance developed but one talent with which to battle the shaman: the bubble hearth. An act that did nothing more than cement their position as cowards. And so a state suitable to both sides was reached; the Horde killed until their targets fled and were satisfied that they were able to kick ass, and the Alliance lived long enough to have most of their ass kicked.

Then the Burning Legion came unto Azeroth, and with it came the arrival of the Draenei and the Blood Elves. The blood elves concerned themselves not with the affairs of the shaman, as nature could not satiate their lust for magic.

The draenei presented a different problem; they joined the Alliance but knew of shamanism. This was a conundrum for the almighty Blizzard. The pathetic Alliance surely could not handle the pure awesomeness that shaman would bring to the force.

And so Blizzard were forced to make an unfortunate decision: shaman were to be nerfed. And the shaman attracted the wrath of the nerfhammer in an unprecedented show of force never before seen throughout the land. And throughout the land shaman QQ'd, but unlike the Alliance, they did so with reason. And Blizzard heard the complaints, but did nothing to solve them.

Throughout time, patch after patch, the shaman continued to unreasonably attract the attention of the nerfhammer. The great Blizzard seemed deaf to the ears of their complaints. Piece by piece, the shaman community left the loving embrace of the class. Most defected to other classes, a few left the world entirely, for pursuits unknown.

Eventually, the shaman class was whittled down to a few loyalists. Some newbies tryed the shaman, and they liked it. For even when inferior to other classes in terms of damage or survivability, the shaman continued to be fun to play. And so the loyal shaman continued to listen to every word the great Blizzard said, hoping that one day their time would come and they would be restored to their former glory.

During this period, Blizzard tried to appease the shaman, by giving offerings such as a new icon for stormstrike. And while the shaman did not simply laugh in Blizzard's face at such simple attempts to please them, they were most certainly doing so behind its back.

Eventually, when word of the Lich King's approach began to spread, shaman everywhere gained hope. Maybe they would be granted new powers with which to fight the coming evil! This thought stirred in many hearts, and close attention was payed to any announcements made by Blizzard. Soon, bit by bit, good news began to trickle through. Many shaman had their hopes lifted by such news, but some believed they knew better and refused to hope. Many shaman were not sure want to think, and decided to take everything as it came. Debate was fervent: which group would end up being right? Many wished that the group that hoped were right but refused to be part of it.

Discussion was rampant until the Lich King's return to Azeroth, and shaman throughout the land waited with bated breath. Would the shaman be restored to their former glory, or would they continue to wallow in a pit of mediocrity?

Shaman are debating that answer to this day. Many, notably the elementals, considered what they had been given a great boon to their class. Some, such as many of the enhancements, continued to believe that they were still being treated as second class citizens. Much of that group derrided the fact that they were being forced to use the same armour as their fellow hunters, for whom they held much contempt, among other things. And the restoration shaman? They knew their place and that it was safe; they were less concerned with the changes.

That is where this part of the story ends. Many still consider the shaman class to be in a state of disarray. A few loyalists still hold hope that the shaman class will be restored to its former glory someday; others continue to play shaman but do not believe that Blizzard will ever grant them the improvements that they sorely need; much of the rest abandoned the shaman class long ago. What does the future hold for the shaman? That answer falls not upon you or me, but to the great Blizzard, for they and they alone have the ability to shape the future of the shaman class.

A More Serious Cow Post: WoW Add-On Policy

As you may (or may not) know, Blizzard has released a new add-on development policy for World of Warcraft. I thought since I make a couple of mods (however small), I should comment.
Not buying it? I felt like ranting. Better?

I don't see the real problem here. Some mod developers have ragequit, and while I don't agree with every single part of the policy, for the most part I do. Let's have a look at the policy, piece by piece.
1) Add-ons must be free of charge.
No objections here... we pay enough to play the game. I'm not sure who'd pay for a mod, either, considering there are generally free alternatives available. It is very rare to actually force a user to pay for a mod, but I have no problem seeing that going.
I'd like to point out that if my code is ever hard to understand, that's because it's the way I program, not because I don't want you reading it.
2) Add-on code must be completely visible.
Again, no problem. While I can understand some people might not want the mod copied (or its functionality replicated), I'm a great believer in open standards and competition.
3) Add-ons must not negatively impact World of Warcraft realms or other players.
This is actually a fairly fine line. Obviously this means no spamming or doing things to deliberately bog down realms (I don't know how, but I'm sure it's possible). On the other hand, I've seen plenty of mods that can be annoying in several other ways (like ones that yell a random message when you mount), but I'm not sure whether that counts (probably not, as long as there's not too much of it).
4) Add-ons may not include advertisements.
No, really?
5) Add-ons may not solicit donations.
This is the one that has many people annoyed. It specifically allows you to request donations on a web site, but not in-game. Personally I have no problem with mods asking for donations, as long as it's once, when you log in (preferably in the chat log), or in the options pane... but I don't want it popping up during gameply. The problem with only allowing you to ask for donations on a website is that many people (myself included), use an mod manager which updates without us ever needing to visit a website. I would change the policy to severely restrict asking for donations, not removing it entirely.
6) Add-ons must not contain offensive or objectionable material.
I get more than enough of both from Blix's Eyesight Enhancing Romance Goggles, thanks.
7) Add-ons must abide by World of Warcraft ToU and EULA.
Wouldn't expect more from the mods than from the players, would we now? The only people who'd have problems with this would be the ones violating either, and they're not the people I want playing the game.
8) Blizzard Entertainment has the right to disable add-on functionality as it sees fit.
While you may not agree with some (most) of their methods, Blizzard only wants the best for you, whether you realise it or not. This part is pretty standard for basically any closed system, though, and it's basically to stop developers exploiting the system and getting away with it for any length of time.

And that's my rant.

Burnout Paradise DLC Review, Part 1: Legendary Cars

Being a chump, I've bought all the downloadable vehicles for Burnout Paradise (as for why the party pack isn't the first DLC review... I didn't buy it, as I have nobody to party with). I'll be reviewing them in 3 parts, then posting a summary. Up first, the legendary cars:

Jansen 88 Special (you might know it as: DeLorean from Back To The Future)
Undeniably the coolest car of the pack (the Nighthawk gives it a run for its money but ultimately loses), it can switch between road mode (i.e. normal) and hover (lights on back go on, wheels fold somewhat into the car, whole thing stays about a foot or two off the road). Unfortunately, it can't fly, although making it hover does seem to affect the handling a bit (it seems to turn a lot more sharply using the handbrake when hovering).
Oh, and did I mention that there's a flame trail when you boost?
Performance: 7/10. It's no slouch, but there's plenty faster.
Handling: 9/10. It can pull off some pretty tight turns, but not much more than a regular Jansen P12 can do.
Boosting: 5/10. Standard stunt boost, hovering doesn't change anything.
Crashing: 3/10. It's weak... not really weak, but it doesn't take much at all to take it down.
Useful for: Showing off, making power parking harder while hovering (you heard me!).
Overall: 6/10. It's a decent performer in a stunt run, and it looks awesome, but it's not all that useful.

GT Nighthawk (you might know it as: KITT from Knight Rider)
If you just want to know one thing about this car... it's FAST! It looks fairly nondescript driving around normally (as nondescript as a sleek black car that looks like little else in the game can be), but it brings the goods when you start boosting. A rear wing pops up, and arrays of lights on the front and back start pulsating back and forth... you won't have that much time to look at the thing though because you'll be DODGING TONS OF &*$# COMING TOWARDS YOU. This thing is FAST while boosting, and generally the only things that slowed me down were traffic or walls (crashing hurts, and you really start to hate the slow-mo crash screen).
Performance: 10/10. It'd be either among or the fastest car in the game, and while it's a bit slower when not boosting it's still fairly fast.
Handling: 9/10. It's great at drifting when you're going flat out, and when you're not (how dare you?), it's completely more than adequate.
Boosting: 9/10. I'm knocking a point off because of how easy it is (for me) to run into anything in sight (and almost everything that isn't), that and it's a speed boost, and I hate earning enough to actually use it. Despite that... good luck catching up to this thing on an open road with a good driver.
Crashing: 3/10. About as good as the 88. Made worse by the fact that you'll be doing it a lot more.
Useful for: Outrunning and infuriating pursuers, looking like a secret agent, becoming well acquainted with the "wrecked" screen, and outrunning bullets.
Overall: 9/10. If you can control it, it's a potent weapon.

Manhattan Spirit (you might know it as: ECTO-1 (the car) from Ghostbusters)
It's large. It's not all that fast. It has sirens and lights.
The people you run into won't care about that, they'll be too busy cursing you and your descendants. Perhaps not in the car crushing ranks of the Inferno van or the Takedown 4x4 (then again, perhaps it is), the lights and sirens are a great way to let your adversaries know that death is imminent and resistance is futile.
I am sad to report that there are no streams to cross, however.
Performance: 5/10. It's not the fastest, but it doesn't need to be... just don't use it in a race.
Handling: 3/10. That tight corner? Forget about it. That average corner? Uh-uh. That gentle bend? Maybe... if you have enough speed you might be able to drift around it.
Boosting: 6/10. Standard aggression boost. Upgrades the car from "death on wheels" to "death and grave pisser-on-er on wheels". The boost may be standard aggression, the results surely are not.
Crashing: 9/10. Goes through most cars like a hot knife through butter. A couple of others have a chance, but only because they must be decommissioned tanks.
Useful for: Clearing paths through cars, light buildings, livestock and Greenpeace. And inspiring a permanent fear of sirens.
Overall: 9/10. If it's not the best car for road rages and such, it's among the top... but it's probably the most fun.

Cavalry Bootlegger (you might know it as: The General Lee from The Dukes of Hazzard)
First, let me get this out of the way... a Mexican flag? That's just not traditional (however it is most likely within copyright law). Also a problem is that it's available in colours other than orange, and the doors' condition is yet to be determined. Other than that, it's not the fastest car, it's not the best handling (not exactly shabby in either category though). Trust me, the only reason you'd want this car is for the horn. And trust me, you DO want it. It's also among the best cars for stunt runs that I've tried, and damn it, it's traditional for stunt runs. If you own this car and aren't using it for stunt runs, what the hell is wrong with you?
Performance: 7/10. Not the fastest car in Paradise city, but there are many worse. It's good enough for most things (except maybe racing against faster cars).
Handling: 8/10. Good stunts need good control, and this'll get you lined up well enough. Threading massive car-sized needles might be out of the question, but the needles might make good weapons.
Boosting: Standard stunt boost. Doesn't give you a great deal more speed, but you'll have no problem filling it up. Depending on what you're doing, draining it might be the hard part.
Crashing: 7/10. It's The General Lee, or as close as is allowed by copyright. It's no Manhattan Spirit, but it can certainly hold its own.
Useful for: Pretending you're on an old TV show, giving you an excuse to do old-guy narration when going over jumps, sending people to mental institutions by pulling up beside then and continunally blowing your horn.
Overall: 8/10. It's fun for stunts, and more fun* freeburning online. Just get in that old Duke mentality: there's always some predictable but awesome stunt you can do to win the race.
*Only for you.

Best in set for:
Looking awesome: Jansen 88 Special
Kicking ass (speed): GT Nighthawk
Kicking ass (literally): Manhattan Spirit
Pulling off insane stunts: Cavalry Bootlegger
Infuriating people: Cavalry Bootlegger
Driving while listening to Ride of the Valkyries: Manhattan Spirit
Throwing your controller across the room: GT Nighthawk
That futuristic roleplaying fantasy you've always wanted to do: Jansen 88 Special.

If you're only going to buy one, then buy: Cavalry Bootlegger. But since when does what I say matter? You're going to buy the 88 Special, that's a fact.

Closest Musician, Part 1.1: A Minute with the Rock Band Guitar

Well, I didn't get a chance to try it in a song, but when I saw one lying around I had to pick it up and play around with it.

If you want to know whether you should buy a RB or GHWT guitar, let me sum the RB guitar up like this: I leave things that would work better as guitars lying on the ground after eating a whole bunch of grass.

Pros:
It has a switch to change your guitar's sound mid-song. If only I didn't prefer the sound of the original song...
Extra buttons for the solos at end of some songs... because I'm simply dying for a thousand or so extra points when I've already reached five stars.
It didn't break when I picked it up.

Cons:
The d-pad is stiff and not the easiest to manipulate.
The start and select buttons are far too prominent, and mar the looks.
Same for the connect button. While yes, I do realise that they correspond to feature on a real stratocaster, it doesn't change the fact that they look ugly.
The fret buttons make a lot of noise, require a bit of effort to push down and are generally very "clacky" to use the scientific term.
The strum bar is the exact opposite... very soft and mushy, doesn't make a noise or give ANY indication when it triggers. It's... disconcerting.
To finish on a less mean note (much as I hate to do so), the whammy bar isn't so bad. It's a bit too stiff, and generally just doesn't feel as good as a GH one.