Slashdraw #1: Hehehe...

Warning: TF2 Spoilers Ahead, Part One

(click for full size, non-crappy quality version)

Slashee Top Ten: Rejected Game Mechanics

#10: Halo 3
Mechanic: Difficulty higher than "pussywillow"
Reason: All the 10 year olds playing the game need to be able to teabag out in the open without fear of instadeath.

#9: Guitar Hero 5
Mechanic: Crowd surfing
Reason: During playtesting, the "average" American kept crushing the plastic crowd.

#8: Brütal Legend
Mechanic: MORE METAL!!!!!!!!
Reason: Only Jack Black could handle more metal without his head exploding. And now we all know the inspiration for the song "Master Exploder".

#7: Resident Evil 5
Mechanic: Teammate AI
Reason: Chris couldn't stop staring at Sheva's rack for long enough to actually do something. And Sheva couldn't stop keeping the entire continent of Africa sexed up for long enough to kill anything.

#6: Metal Gear Solid 4
Mechanic: Gameplay
Reason: By the time Kojima Productions realised they weren't making a movie, it was too late.

#5: Bayonetta
Mechanic: Any semblance of a coherent plot
Reason: What's more important, plot or killing stuff? Thankfully someone at Platinum Games realised the correct answer.

#4: World of Warcraft
Mechanic: Something different after the first 15 levels
Reason: There are two kinds of people in the world: people who don't mind doing the same thing over and over for hours on end, and me. Which is the bigger audience (by number, not volume)?

#3: Grand Theft Auto IV
Mechanic: Planes
Reason: They would tip the scales in the helicopter deathmatch that EVERY multiplayer game becomes.

#2: Anything with "Wii" in the title
Mechanic: Coherent controls
Reason: Games which actually require skill? They sell. Games where the winner is often determined by whoever can give themselves Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the wrist the fastest? They sell LOTS.

#1: God of War 2
Mechanic: Kratos vs. Chuck Norris fight
Reason: The game would never end, so they couldn't milk more sequels out of the franchise.

Slashee Top Ten: Magazines That Shouldn't Be

#10: The Story Lover's Guide To Michael Bay
"Avoid at all costs."

#9: The Sopranos Fan Club
"The only magazine where every article finishes in the middle of a sent-"

#8: Stoner's Guide To The Red Sea
"See the lowest point on Earth from the highest point on Earth"

#7: The 10 Year Old's Guide To Counter-Strike
"Complete from swearing incessantly to teamkilling."

#6: Cemetary Real Estate Shopper
"Everybody's dying to get in here!"

#5: The Teabagger Chronicle
"Giving you your hot cup of well deserved action right in the face."

#4: Oedipus Worshippers' Newsletter
"You'd kill your own father just to read this"

#3: World Leaders Belittler
"Kim Jong Il: Fearless leader or senile muppet?"

#2: The Stalker Review
"Tapping on your windows at night for the latest news!"

#1: Sodomy Daily
"We're behind you all the way."

Slashee Top Ten: Game Sequels You Probably Don't Want To See

10: Half-Life 2: Episode 3
Because anyone alive today who actually lives to see it come out isn't human.

9: Warcraft IV: "So we've done an MMO, now what?"
Because it wouldn't include a Slashee unit, and that would send me on such a rampage I'd destroy society.

8: Batman Arkham Asylum 2: Arkham Harder
Anyone ever thought that a guy who dresses as a bat belongs in Arkham as a patient, not a vigilante?

7: Call of Duty 8: Modern Warfare 3
Now consisting of nothing but airport levels!

6: Guitar Hero: Emo-Fest
Actually, this would make a good test. Anyone who buys it gets dragged out into the street and shot.

5: Duke Nukem Forever
For it to come out, Satan will have to be in some way involved.

4: Grand Theft Auto: The Barrens
Every mission boils down to killing Chuck Norris supporters. And the game never ends.

3: Assassin's Creed 3
Game setting? Modern day. Famous assassin? Dick Cheney.

2: Need for Speed: Tiger Woods
Actually, a game that's even more about crashing than Burnout would probably be fun.

1: Beyond Good & Evil 2
Hell will have frozen over, which should actually make it pretty good for holidaying. I'll just catch a ride down there on Stephen Conroy's body.

Review: Band Hero

Why I Hate People: Steam Top Sellers, Week Up To 15/11/09

Yes, this is late. Yes, last week's didn't appear. Sue me. L4D2 doesn't play itself, folks.
(This week featuring: duplicate items).

#1 ( ! ) Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Ripoff price. No dedicated servers. No mods. Am I the only one who can say "pile of stinking Slashee$#%& ?

#2 ( = ) Left 4 Dead 2
No, you really should have this by now. WHY ARE YOU STILL BUYING IT?!?!?!?!?

#2 ( ! ) Dragon Age: Origins
The amount of detail in this that 99% of people don't care about almost makes my unhealthy obsessions seem slightly less unhealthy.

#3 ( /\ ) Dragon Age: Origins Digital Deluxe Edition
The amount of fail in paying $15 extra for a couple of fake items almost makes it seem like I succeed in something occasionally.

#4 ( ! ) Overlord Complete Pack
You can kill baby seals. What am I complaining about?

#4 ( \/ ) Borderlands
The only game where I've seen numbers appear above people's heads faaster than a dual wielding Stormstrike Windfury in WoW.

#5 ( \/ ) Torchlight
This is basically Diablo. Why don't you just play Diablo?

#6 ( ! ) Crysis Maximum Edition
The only thing requiring more of a supercomputer than Crysis? Two Crysis games.

#7 ( \/ ) Football Manager 2010
I'm surprised the NEEEEEEEEERDS that play this were able to stop playing it for long enough to notice there's a new version with probably no changes.

#8 ( ! ) Mass Effect
The best KOTOR game I've played since the original. What? This isn't a sequel to KOTOR? Could have fooled me.

#9 ( ! ) Counter-Strike: Source
Not okay: killing zombies in armour in L4D2 (apparently).
Okay: killing human cops in armour in CS:S.
WHAT THE $%#@?

#10 ( = ) Aion Standard Edition
Come on, people, the main "feature" is just a gimmick. WoW's main feature that will outlast any gimmick? Cows with two giant axes.

#10 ( ! ) Left 4 Dead + Left 4 Dead 2 Bundle
Apparently if you already own L4D you can gift it to a friend. So while you play the more awesome (with the exception of Coach not being able to replace Louis as a pill finding machine) sequel, your friend is forever stuck in the original. Nice way to encourage group play there, Valve.